{LIE} Lost in Existence [Editing]

Day Nine

Lost in Existence

Day Nine

I lifted the items I was going to buy up onto the counter.  As the cashier rang up the items, he gazed at me curiously.

Why do people always have to be so nosy?  Just because I was buying a huge rope and a hook didn’t mean anything.  Maybe the look was for fishing, and the rope was for tug of war.

“What do you need all this stuff for?” He asked with a curious tone in his voice.

I had to force myself not to sigh and answered.  “Camping trip.” I responded, cool and casual.  That should convince him.

He seemed rather satisfied with my answer but still looked at my curiously. 

It wasn’t like he knew me.  And if he did know me, he wouldn’t care about me and would call me a “freak” and a “loser” like everyone else.  He would want me to die.

For a few days, I’ve been thinking about whether I should leave a note behind when I die, or not.  But if I did leave a note, what would I put on it?  “I couldn’t take it anymore”?  “I’m better off dead”?  Then people would pity me.  They wouldn’t understand.  I had to do something more.

A letter seemed like a good idea, but they could still misinterpret my words. 

Is it better to just not leave a message at all?

I came back to the present as the cashier told me the total.  I took my wallet out of my back pocket and pulled out the correct amount.  He then printed out my receipt and handed it to me. 

I took the plastic bag containing my items and walked out of the hardware store.  I think it was called Home Depot but I didn’t care to look up at the sign to make sure.

I trudged home, feeling more depressed than usual, which was saying something.  What was I going to do about the message?

I had gotten today off from school to recover from my concussion.  (N/A once again, I know nothing about concussions)  I didn’t feel like I needed it, but any offer to not take a visit to hell was gladly welcomed by me.

They still had no good leads on the robber.  He had apparently done a fair job of concealing his identity. 

I walked up to the door of the orphanage still lost in thought, and let myself in.

Suddenly someone appeared in one of the doorways to my left.

“Oh!  Lucy!  How are you doing?  We heard about what happened Saturday.”  A girl of about my age stood there.  To be truthful, I didn’t know her name.  I had never spoken to her before, and I had only seen her at dinner and on occasion in the hallways. 

“I’m okay.” I said truthfully.

“That’s good.  I hope they catch the robber soon and give you some piece of mind.”

Her words confused me.  Piece of mind?  Why would I get piece of mind if the robber was caught?  I wouldn’t be at peace if I knew they caught him and he had a family.  Maybe he had a little girl, only the age of three, who was so pretty, and he loved her so much, and that’s why he had been stealing the money. 

“Yeah.” I muttered awkwardly.  “Well, see you later.” I stated quietly while walking past her up the stairs. 

“Yeah, totally!”  I heard her chirp.

How was she so happy in an orphanage?  Was I the only truly unhappy one?

Weren’t orphanages suppose to be sad and depressing?  If that was the case, then why in the world did I hear laughing just down the hall?  Why did I hear happy conversations all around, meanwhile I could hear no sobs?

I pushed my door open and slammed it behind me.  I dumped the bag on the floor near the door and fell down on my bed.  I closed my eyes and yawned.  This was so hard, waiting that is.  Waiting for the day when I can get my real release is so hard.  It’s tempting to not just give in now.

I felt annoyed and frustrated.  I wanted to rip my hair out.  And I knew I would never be able to sleep feeling like this.  Maybe I felt this way because of how unfair it all was.  I understand that I’m not a good person and I’m “emo” and I “cut” but did I really deserve to be the only unhappy person on the entire Earth?

I picked myself off the bed and headed for the bathroom.

I needed a release, even if it was only a small release.  Cutting was like a drug, and I could only be at peace if I got my hit.

I tore my skinny jeans off of me, and grabbed my razor which was still in the bathtub.  Then I sat down on the toilet.

I brought the razor down on my leg, sighing in relief.

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Song of the chapter: Fixed At Zero by VersaEmerge

Words: 831

I still couldn’t really decide what to all do in this chapter so this is what came out.  It’s kind of boring I know.  Sorry about that.

In the next one I know what’s going to happen in… and it involves Jaimy.  :O

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-Ari