7, 504 miles

12.22.2015

4.36

BIS chocolates are really good and you need to buy more of them. i'm not sure where i'm going to eat tonight but it sure as hell won't be at my apartment. maybe i'll get a sub and then go to Starbucks to read again, that was nice.

i just remembered that i might be going to New York with my family in may. i hope the plan doesn't fall through because that'd be a nice trip.

i hate how i miss the sunsets due to me being stuck inside a car or something. i'm just truly seeing it for the first time now out of the open window of this cab and it's magnificent. it's a watered down yellow-orange and it's beginning to set just above the mountains.

5.08

that was the last of the sunset. i missed the best part.

5.20

i highly respect people who eat like quietly. i can't stand being surrounded by anyone eating now matter how quiet they eat, though. i hate the sound of chewing; but people need to eat, i guess.

it's so easy for people to give me advice, but they'd probably feel the same way if they were in my shoes.

someone just asked me if i wanted to get married and i said not right now and they corrected themselves and said in the future and i replied with with, 'i don't know. it isn't something that i found myself thinking about."

6.12

i had to put on a very fruitful wedding dress today and i felt almost un-pure. i should be trying on dresses for my actual wedding, with my the females of family sitting outside waiting for me to walk out in a beautiful gown, but here i am. standing in Catherine wearing something i didn't want to wear.

all of the other girls in their lux dresses lit up and smiled and flailed around, they looked so happy. i, on the other hand - i am a mystery to myself.

dear mom, if you're reading this. don't worry. i didn't look in the mirror.

6.34

today was a living fucking hell. i'm going to get a sub.

200 later. as i was paying for my sub, the cashier asked me if i wanted to make it a combo and due to my social anxiety i quickly said yes and here i am, sipping a diet coke and holding a white chocolate chip cookie.

i didn't bother going to Starbucks today due to my overspending at subway which is making me a bit upset.

some guy is coughing up a lung and spitting repeatedly so i'm going to go back to my apartment because it's incredibly disgusting.

6.50

as i was reaching into my wallet to retrieve the 97 to pay for some snacks at the convenient, the cashier at family mart grabbed my subway bag and said 'i want!' and laughed. why can't more people be like that guy?

9.55

i'm slacking off every day. not doing my homework, avoiding everything that gets thrown at me. i wish i could fall asleep faster so i wouldn't give myself more reasons to be upset.

feburary second is too far away. i feel like season 8 deb from dexter. she was so upset and hated everything about herself. that's pretty much how i feel, we knew we were fuck ups.

i just want to explode. i just want to go home. foreign languages are digging me a hole.

i cried for a good hour tonight. i feel like a sad excuse. how did i think i was strong enough to successfully sign myself up for this?

the thought of being alone at christmas is eating me away and taking all my positivity with it. i barely had any of that, anyway.

i was sitting in the bathroom crying and i imagined i was home, sitting on lid of the toilet and then collecting myself so i could walk a few steps to my room without my parents or brother noticing me- who would all be sitting on the long, brown couch in the basement living room- but then i opened my eyes and what i saw just made
me more sad.

how can someone be so blind. how could i have thought this would be a positive opportunity.

i really wish it could be, though. it makes me sad to see the other girls so happy; and then look in the mirror to see a depressed and lonely me. alone. just a few steps away from everyone else's happy lives.

i wish i could have met my true self before agreeing on any of this.

i left my Eleanor and Park book at home. it would have been for english class. i'm like an Oreo, but instead of double stuffed i'm double fucked.