7, 504 miles

12.30.2015

12.54

its raining. i got bubble tea and two macarons.

1.27

i feel super anxious. i don't know why. yesterday night i downloaded four books. download and books sounds weird in a sentence, kind of make up a juxtaposition.

i got a book called The Bell Jar and other works. i also got three samples. Lolita, How to be Parisian and IT. i'm so excited to, quote and quote, read them.

2.02

it's been raining by kimya dawson.

2.31

i love built to spill. i also love alisha because she loves me and she's so cool. i remember this one time we went out together and she slept over at my house, i had made us grilled cheeses with these weird onion crouton things and buffalo chicken hot sauce and

(she loved hers!!!)

i was sitting down making a stupid face with a gaming video on my computer screen and she took a picture of me and posted it to her instagram and thinking back on that makes me super happy because i looked and was acting like such an idiot and she loved it.

she posted me being my stupid self to her instagram full of beautiful selfies and flowers and food and landscapes.

she loves me for me and that's such a nice feeling.

4.44

i'm bored and on the metro. i hope i have time to go to forever 21 before my job. what the fuck even is my job? you might as well tell me because i don't have a damn clue.

my stomach has been slightly upset the whole day.

4.49

i just got a wave and a half of panic because i thought for a minute that i was going the wrong way. hopefully i'm going the right way or damn it, i'm fucked.

5.35

i'm sitting in that TWG tea store, waiting to start my show. oh my fucking christ British accent man arrives at my side to walk down the cat walk with me and the tins of tea.

my stomach feels like someone is pressing on it and my ribs feel hurt when i breathe in this bloody dress. theres also a neck thing and its sore and cutting my throat.

5.47

apparently the actual show starts at 7. ok so i guess i'll be sitting here aimlessly for quite a while, then.

i feel as if this guy thinks he's incredibly charming. i think he's just hiding. wouldn't you get tired of pretending to be something that you simply are not? maybe he's a psychopath. a sociopath would be a better, more likely guess, though.

ah. psychology talk. i love it.

i wish that i could walk around and find some food or something but i feel like if i did that then this dress would trip me or get stuck in an escalator so i'll just sit, i guess.

5.58

ok if this could just start and end, that'd be fucking delightful. get me out of this shoddy long ass death trap of a dress and into my fucking ripped jeans and sweater and sneakers, damn it. at least i can get some donuts afterwards.

oh yeah i almost just ate the floor tile. the shiny, waxy, slippery floor tile. fuck that noise.

6.11

ok. still not really feeling it. i don't know what i'm doing; i'm winging it and hopefully i don't fail miserably.

6.58

fuck my face for getting so red, damn it. i can feel it burning. quick, someone throw ice at me!

the guy is actually really nice and funny and interesting and charming and he's from south Africa so that's cool. i haven't dropped the sociopath idea, though... you never know!

i think we're getting donuts after this, and he kind of low-key invited me out for new years to some party thing with a bunch of models.

7.30

some waiter guy just came up to me at my table and asked if i wanted him to pour me tea and i'm thinking what the hell and trying not to laugh because i could have easily moved my arm and poured it myself if i wanted more tea but ok. good tea pouring bud. keep at it. you'll go far some day.

8.38

i'm gone. 22 minutes earlier. and yes, i feel guilty. the guy i was with low key lashed out at the lady for making him stay overtime. so he left, and i left. i don't know where he is. we aren't getting donuts.

i knew it was all a front. he's charming until he doesn't want to be, anymore. coincidence. i guess i'm just good at reading people.

8.47

that was actually really uncomfortable handing my dress to the lady earlier than i should have been. fuck. what the fuck happened with that guy, why'd he have to be so pissy. it was another 25 minutes.

i kind of have myself to blame, too. hopefully they don't inform my agency and hopefully i don't get totally fucked over because this guy was being childish.

i sort of can't lay all the blame on him though. i guess i could have stayed but that would be really awkward and boring. fuck!

8.56

i feel like such a fuck up. speaking of fuck, the lady beside me can stop looking at my phone and fuck off. thanks.

9.00

goddamn. i need to clear my mind.

9.11

my minds running a fucking marathon right now. i'm going to get a latte and it damn well better be swzzz

footnote: swzzz is the product of my friend coming up behind me and scaring me whilst trying to write sweet.

9.23

i made sure my latte is to be sweet potato. i also went to family mart with my friend (the one who scared me) and got some ramen, chicken and some gummy colas.

she didn't go home without me which is nice because i constantly feel ignored.

i also decided to get cheesecake and watched Ponyo before bed.