7, 504 miles

12.23.2015

2.48

i am so afraid that i'm not going have enough money for this cab. i feel like i hear the beep of the price going up every thirty seconds. god help me.

i tried to exchange money this morning but apparently a card was needed? thanks agency for telling me this. i barely have any pocket money now. if they would have just exchanged it for me i wouldn't be going through this.

it would have been so much easier for me to simply take the MRT back to the apartment and then get picked up, or have the day off, from there. my agency seems to be chocked full of stupid, overly complicated ideas.

it's so unexplainably weird to see models smoking.

3.03

are you FUCKING kidding me. i was told to take a taxi to this building, so i show up and nobody is fucking here. i'm so scared. i feel like my lungs are collapsing inside of me.

3.18

being lost in a foreign city isn't something that i wanted to check off of my list, seeing as it wasn't even there in the first place.

i'm so exhausted and angry. my agency told me to simply go two floors down and that they'll be there. so now i am on the third floor and guess what? THEY AREN'T HERE.

'is FMI here?'
'they just left.'

well what the fuck am i supposed to do now, goddamn it. i don't even have bloody wifi.

3.21

my mind is racing between being angry or being exhausted.

constant vulnerability. i'm shaking like a leaf, as much as i hate that saying. i just want to go to the agency so they can exchange my money.

3.41

she finally showed up, all casual. i asked what happened and she's like 'huh?'

6.30

hello i'm not angry anymore. i'm out again for dinner, at the bagel place i was a couple days ago. i like it here, the seats are comfortable and the music isn't that bad and i can read in peace. hotline bling is playing which is a good thing.

i ordered linguine with white wine clam sauce or something rather. i also paid for a masala chai latte because i get easily suckered into spending money on hot drinks.

this song reminds me of kaylia. i accidentally just wrote kayak; nice. i miss that girl. fuck.

anyways, i'm going to read more of my book - which might i add is coming close to an end. how unfortunate. i really should have brought more books. maybe i'll read IT by alexa chung; i have it added to my library on watt pad.

i'm going to write my report on black racism tonight and i won't let myself relax or do absolutely anything until i'm done. i'm going to finish this thing and i'm not letting myself slack off any longer.

footnote - i didn't complete it.

maybe i'll bring my laptop over and work on it at Starbucks eventually. i forgot to mention, Starbucks and this bagel cafe are directly across from each other, which are both a five minute walk from my apartment. amazing.

i've been writing consecutively for seven minutes, and i can now say that i feel relatively light and airy. maybe not, but somewhat. and somewhat is something.

footnote - they make the best lattes here.

6.49

this pasta is really good. the clams are delicious, too. i didn't think i'd have a problem with clams, though. tomatoes and yellow carrots and spinach and pasta and clams.

the little tomatoes remind me of my sleepover with Natalia a while ago. she made us breakfast and cut up tomatoes and they taste the same as they do here. i miss her, she's fun to hangout with.

so that wasn't spinach, it was a mint leaf.

7.19

nice dinner. i read twenty or so pages, and i'm really liking this book. i highly relate to the girl in it. is it bad i've forgotten her name?

7.28

i'm going to overindulge, once again, which isn't a surprise, and buy some chocolates and some gum. i'll bring my thermos and buy two lattes in the morning. i have a shoot.

oh, how i have missed the feeling of full. i miss home and dinners made by my family.

7.32

the moon is so bright. it's beautiful. i was going to say i wonder what it looks like from home but it's 6 am in Canada. the 13 hour difference makes it hard to communicate with the ones i love and miss.

the air smells sweet, but not a nice kind of sweet. it smells almost foggy. someone who just walked by me smelled like my dad, who i miss so much every day. i love him.

there's an art gallery right across the street from where i'm staying and i wish that i had someone to go with. maybe i'll look it up and go myself one day. besides, that's never seemed to stop me before.

the thing is, i feel like the girls who i am forced to live with would rather spend time at a club than a museum. i just wish i had at least one person i could call a friend without erasing the word to make room for acquaintance.

i'm drastically losing my touch. it took me a few minutes to spell acquaintance, let alone remember how to properly say it. i also recall sometimes being unable to formulate proper, educated sentences. what an oddly unfortunate habit to develop.