a glimpse into this brain of mine

On this night

On this night
There was an overdose of pills in my hand
A glass of water by my bed
Sleeping sister in the one over
Phone in my hand
Typing a note
A note to say goodbye
"Be good, ok? I love you"
As tears poured down my face

On this night
I made a phone call
A suicide hotline
With a woman named Amanda
She could've been a grandma
My arms still bleeding from the attack of scratching

On this night
I wanted to die
Suicide seemed the only option
It seemed peaceful
A solution
No one would care
My pain would be over

On this night
I kissed my sister in the next bed
Six words whispered into her ear
"Be good, ok? I love you"
Tears still streaming down my cheeks
She lay still
Unaware of my presence at her side
So innocent and silent

On this night
My life was going to end
Alone and broken
There were so many unfulfilled hopes and dreams
From childhood, and just last week
I didn't care how
It had to end
Things'd be better off

On this night
I looked at the slowly melting capsules in my hand
Then at my yet blood red arm
The scratches fresh and raw
"Was I worth it? I couldn't be."
My friends,they all disclaimed this
How could I be? I wasn't.
That's why I had to go

On this night
I put a pill on my tongue
Then another, and one more
My eyes went wide
"What the heck am I doing?!"
Quickly all three were spit together
Onto my butterfly bedspread
I kicked them off and emptied my hand of the rest

On this night
My friends saved my life
I texted one, and then one more
I started to tell them what was wrong
They listened and listened to my pathetic tale
For some reason though, I didn't tell of the pills
That was too much to tell
They told me I was worth it, "I'd so much to lose"

On this night
I believed them
So that I may tell this to you
I deserve to live
So do all of you
Tomorrow, one might come over
Because I'm alive
And I'm worth it

On this night
There almost wasn't another
But
On this night
I'm alive
And there will be more
On this night
I tried to kill myself