If You Change Your Mind You Know Where To Find Me (Book Two)

This is the Beat of My Heart

Brendon:

I don't want to be on this stage tonight. I don't want to go out there and try to perform after all of this. The few drinks that I've had helped but not enough and if I drink any more than I did tonight I won't be able to put on a good show for these people. I was thankful that we completely just took Miss Jackson off of the set list and that our tour management was okay with that. We replaced it with a song that I haven't performed in a while and though hesitant and though it'll absolutely make me think of her, it'll be much easier to perform. 

We take the stage and open with Vegas Lights, the crowd cheering and screaming and I try to focus more on that. It's working so far. I'm loosening up. I'm starting to have a good time. By the end of the song and the last roar, she's just an itching thought at the back of my mind that was supposed to be on the side of that stage tonight.

"How are we doin' tonight Los Angeles?!" I shout and everyone screams. I allow myself to get lost in the music and in my performance until it's time for Miss Jackson's replacement track. My chest tightens when they bring out my acoustic guitar. 

"I haven't played this song...ever. But I'm going to do it for you guys tonight. See, this song reminds me of someone from here and I think it's something worth playing. Here's 'She Had The World'," I say and the entire arena practically collapses from the screaming that erupts from the audience. I start plucking chords on my guitar and take a deep breath. 

"She held the world upon a string, but she didn't ever hold me. Spun the stars on her fingernails," I chuckle slightly at this line. Goddess of prophecies in the stars, she had said... "but it never made her happy. 'Cause she couldn't ever have me."

No, not anymore. Never again...

"She said she'd won the world at a carnival, but she couldn't ever win me. 'Cause she couldn't ever catch me." This like I sing from deep within my chest. You don't want me? Fine. You've made up your mind.

"I, I know why. Because when I look in her eyes I just see the sky. When I look in her eyes, well I just see the sky." I can't help but picture her in front of me for this next line. My sorrow has transformed itself into anger and I swear I'll mean every word. "I don't love you, I'm just passing the time. You could love me if I knew how to lie. But who could love me? I am out of my mind, throwing a line out to sea to see if I can catch a dream."

This is fucked. This entire situation is fucked.

"The sun was always in her eyes. She didn't even see me. But that girl had so much love, she'd wanna kiss you all the time. Yeah, she'd wanna kiss you all the time." Fuck, keep it together, Brendon. "She said she won the world at a carnival but I'm sure I didn't ruin her. I just made her more interesting. I'm sure I didn't ruin her. I just made her more interesting. I, I know why. Because when I look in her eyes I just see the sky...when I look in her eyes...Well I just see the sky..."

The rest of the song is choked out of my chest and I know everyone hears it. They're screaming but there is no way that they can't hear how fucking pathetic I sound. The rest of the show goes through fairly smoothly until we get to This Is Gospel and I can't keep any form of vocal control because of how emotional I've become. 

"If you love me let me go!" I sob/scream/sing into the mic. I'm breaking... "'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars, the fear of falling apart and truth be told I never was yours!"

Dallon gives me a look and I keep going. I can't stop. The song has enveloped me and I feel myself falling out of love with her already. I probably never was. I can go back to being myself. I can go back to being who I'm supposed to be without having to take care of her.

(A/N: Sorry guys I know it's a short one! Before reading the next chapter please double check the author's note I posted! There were some technical difficulties with the second chapter and they're explained there. It was published completed and then changed to a draft because my app didn't sync with my laptop but the original published chapter is back up! Thank you guys for reading! <3)