If You Change Your Mind You Know Where To Find Me (Book Two)

And Bury Me Alive

Brendon: 

I walk as fast as I can to my car without running. I'm ruining this girl. I'm destroying and she's going to be nothing but shattered pieces for whoever actually deserves her. I'm killing her. I'm literally killing Asteria. I turn the keys in the ignition. Ken can get a ride from Davey. This is all my fault. If I hadn't taken his phone from him I never would have made her so upset and she probably wouldn't have had her seizure...She has to be okay...She has to be able to overcome this. And then I can leave and I'll be out of her life forever. She doesn't need me in her life. She doesn't need me at all. I'm just poison. 

I grab my guitar from the trunk and knock lightly on the glass doors. The night janitor shakes his head and lets me in. He pats me on the back before going back to work.

"I haven't seen you in a long time!" he says.

"We were touring, you'll probably be seeing me a lot more now that I'm back," I say honestly. I give him a small wave and get in the elevator. I watch the floors count away and it's like this elevator chose to go so slow because it knew how much I needed to get to the roof. I throw the door open at the top of the stair case and rush to sit near the edge.

The city lights overwhelm my senses. Everything up here is so quiet and that's exactly what I need. I need this quiet...I look at the sky and I don't see any stars...And that's what I need to get used to...I can't ruin her anymore.

I take a deep breath and start strumming, allowing the guitar to hum against my chest and fill the void that grew twice its own size this morning. I hum a melody along with what I'm strumming and I can feel the emotions making their way through my system, flowing throughout me before they escape. 

All I can think about is the fact that it's a new year. A year I wanted to start with her and I started it without having her with me and now I just won't have her period. If I fight to keep her I could really kill her. What will I have if I don't have her at this point? She was it. She was my shot at changing and getting out of this feeling and getting over what I've felt in the past. Getting through this would be impossible...I start to turn the thoughts in my head into lyrics, wishing I could play piano on this rooftop but trying to keep the instrument in mind as I sing.

There's no sunshine this impossible year. 
Only black days and sky grey and clouds full of fear.
And storms full of sorrow that won't disappear.

I hum along to the same tune, unsure of what other words I'd like to include. I'll write them later. I just need to feel this.

There's no you and me this impossible year.
Only heartache and heartbreak and gin made of tears.
The bitter pill is swallowed, this scar souvenir.
That tattoo, your last bruise this impossible year.

My emotional ride has ended as my phone vibrates. I look at the time before I pick up. Have I really been messing around up here for 2 hours? I swipe to answer Kenneth's call.

"I'm sorry. I had to get out of there. I can't be there. I'm ruining her," I say quietly. 

"Brendon, you can't just-"

"No, Ken. Her seizure was my fault. I'm adding so many unnecessary problems in her life. Look at what just happened! And it's only been a few months! What could happen in a year?! In two?! I'll kill her!" I feel my anxiety shooting up and my hands start to tremble. 

"But, Bren, please just listen-"

"No! Ken! You're not listening! Did you see what happened in there?!"

"Brendon! I saw what happened! Now please listen to me! She's asking for you!" I swear I feel my heart stop when he says it.

"W-What?"