If You Change Your Mind You Know Where To Find Me (Book Two)

I Want To Live A Life From A New Perspective

Brendon:

"Pete, what am I doing?" I ask as Asteria and Davey head into an examination sector. 

"What are you talking about?" Pete grunts as he rolls his eyes. 

"I pick Asteria, but Davey is always going to come first." Pete's head shoots in my direction and he's glaring right at me.

"Did you really just say that you picked Asteria?" 

"Well I did! I could have-"

"Brendon, shut the fuck up. I'm really not taking your side this time." He turns away from me and glares at the door that Asteria walked through, clenching his jaw. I rub my temples.

"I would have come first in her life," I mumble and I can see Pete squeezing his hands into tight fists out of the corner of my eye.

"You know what, Brendon? Yeah. You could have. You could have been with someone that didn't make you feel this insecure because you didn't genuinely care about her and in your head, you would have come first. But the fucking reality is, you damn idiot, that the only reason you feel that way is because you have some bullshit insecurities that you need to work out. Aren't you in therapy? Talk about that. Consider the fact that your girlfriend is going to trial and her anxiety is so bad that her panic attacks are violent and she hurt someone who's practically her brother before you make another stupid comment like that again. She has never, ever said anything that inconsiderate about you to me and you've cheated on her. More than once!" He whisper screams the entire reality check that he seemed to have ready and saved in his memory for a time like this. "And if you're that fucking comfortable, you need to break up and figure your shit out on your own, not with someone else in your bed."

His final blow keeps me quiet. He's right. I'm never going to be comfortable with how close Asteria and Davey are, but she's never given me a reason not to trust her. And I've given her a million. We've had it so well together lately. 

"You're right," I say quietly.

"I know I am. Now seriously, why did you reach out to her dad?" Pete asks as quietly as possible, as if Asteria can hear him through the hospital chambers.

"I really don't know. Every time she talks about him she gets this look of longing on her face and I thought that maybe she really missed him and just didn't know how to reach out."

Pete sighs and rubs the back of his neck.

"Brendon, she's a grown woman. She knows how to reach out to her father. Did you ever consider that the look that you're talking about is her wishing she had a different dad?" 

I stay quiet. I think back to when we visited my parents and how happy she was around them. 

"I guess that's true. Maybe it isn't even her wishing for a different dad. Maybe it's just her wishing for a home."

"Yeah, and you're complaining that the closest thing she's ever had to that is being put first right now." I let Pete's words sink in and wonder what it must have been like for Asteria to grow up with only one constant in her life.

Davey is all she's ever had. He's always been there for her, helped to take care of her. Tried to give her everything he could. In a perfect world, they'd fall in love and get married and have kids and she'd finally have the family she's always wanted. But this isn't a perfect world, I remind myself. And that isn't going to happen. And if that's what she wants...and if it were what I wanted...it would be up to me to make that happen. 

I jump slightly when the door opens and Asteria wheels Davey behind a nurse. Seeing them like that, Davey in a wheelchair and her pushing him, I have this whole new perspective. And I hope Davey is okay and I hope that she's okay and that's all I care about right now. I don't care about her not being next to me as much as I care about her not being so worried or upset or anxious or depressed. She looks at me for a brief second and fixes her attention back to Davey. They disappear behind a different door and the waiting game continues. I take out my phone.

"Did I see concern on your face over Davey for a sec?" Pete laughs. "Revelations don't happen that quickly."

"No, they don't. But you're right and if he's the only thing she's ever had I shouldn't be so bothered."

"What are you looking up?" he asks as he leans over to look at my phone.

"Apartments."

"You're moving?" 

"Not until after the trial," I say nervously, trying to focus on the decision I've made and not on whether or not she'll agree with me. Pete lets out a small laugh.

"You know she'll say yes."

"Yeah."

"You know he's going to hate it."

"Yeah. That's why I'm trying to find one close to him." Pete shoves my head aside and shakes his with a smug smile on his face.

"I don't even know you anymore," he says with a small laugh.

"Honestly, I don't either. But I'm happy about it."