If You Change Your Mind You Know Where To Find Me (Book Two)

Graced By Two Displays of Character

Asteria:

The more I read this letter, the worse it gets. Brendon rubs my shoulders, arms, and back to help make it more bearable but I can't say that it's the most helpful thing possible. I've always seen my father as an obnoxious constant. I've always just thought that he was a burden I would have to deal with once I got older and he couldn't support himself because I'm too much of a pushover to just send him away. I rub my temples and continue reading.

All your father ever talks about is how well he hopes you're doing. You're his whole world. 

I feel tears running down my face. The letter consists of the things he's told my uncle about me and how much he wishes he could try to make things right. How he wishes he could be there for his daughter. He should've thought of that before he left and went to prison...There's a portion that explains how to contact and reach out to him and which prison to visit him. It's in California. How am I going to afford to take a trip just to visit my idiotic and dying sperm donor? Where am I supposed to get that money? Why do I even want to? As I progress through the letter my stomach turns and I feel myself getting sick.

He never wanted to leave you. When your mother found out she was pregnant, she pushed him away. She said not to come around anymore. She said she didn't want him interfering with your life and that she was better off raising you herself and he went to visit you once when you were very small without her knowing. I know it sounds small and simple, but he cried telling me about how happy he was when he first saw you. He said you couldn't have been more than a year old and when he walked into the house, you invited him to sit next to you and your sneaker had come untied when you were walking around in the backyard and he tied your shoe. That's the only memory of you that he has as a baby because your mom just pushed the whole family away. She wouldn't let anyone help. He was so surprised when you reached out to him again to meet him and so embarrassed that he was homeless. After he saw you he went straight to rehab and tried so hard to get better, but you know all about that because he wrote you then. 

I feel myself gag and I quickly unbuckle my seat belt. Brendon says something to me but I need to get to the bathroom and I need to do it now. I rush down the aisle and thank the universe that it's as empty as the contents of my stomach become once I lock the door. How could my mother fucking lie to me? How could she sit there and say that he left us and never cared? How could she not tell me that she pushed him away?

My body is hot and shaking and I rub my temples before rinsing out my mouth. I take a deep breath before stepping out and when I do I'm met with a shaking and concerned Brendon.

"Babe, what is it? What happened?" he asks quickly as he gently cups my face and searches for an answer. I shake my head and he kisses my forehead as he guides me back to my seat. He asks the flight attendant for a ginger ale and pulls me into him. 

I take small sips of the ginger ale once the flight attendant drops it off. He rubs my back in the process and I try to ignore the people staring at me with worry that I'll throw up in my seat. He just keeps kissing my head and my cheeks while he does it and I let myself sink into his chest and accept his comfort. 

"I think I just got stress sick," I say quietly and he kisses my forehead again.

"What happened?"

I hand him the letter and point to the portion about my mom. He takes a moment to read it and lets out a frustrated sigh while stretching his neck. He pulls me tighter into him and I ignore the arm rest digging into my ribs and start crying as quietly as I can. All I've ever wanted was a father. And she took him away from me. I try to focus on the warmth of Brendon's hands on my back and I feel myself starting to fall asleep. I try to fight it at first, but eventually it wins. I sleep through the rest of the flight, only waking up when it's time to land because Brendon doesn't want me to get scared.