Because {Wolfstar}

29.

6:21 p.m.

"Where even are we going?" Remus laughs, Sirius leading him forward with his hands over Remus' eyes.
"It's not anything fancy," Sirius apologizes, "but it is one of my favorite places."

Remus smiles as the other leads him down a dirt path, hidden by shrubbery. "I don't need fancy. I just need you."

Soon enough, they are standing in front of a modest stone bridge, laced with ivy. Underneath, a trickling stream reflects the full moon above.

"Wow," is all Remus can say when Sirius uncovers his eyes.

They perch on the edge of the bridge, legs dangling right above the water, and eat the Taco Bell they picked up on the way over.

Remus is the first to break the comfortable silence. "Hey, um, I really liked that song you played. It was called Flawed I think."

Sirius nods. "Yeah, I really like that one. I tend to keep it to myself. That's the first time I played it for other people."

"Why did you?"

Sirius smiles slightly. "Because you were there."

There's another silence.

"Sirius I..." Remus takes a deep breath, feeling the shakes coming on. "I want to tell you something. Something really important."

Sirius peers at him confused. "Alright."

Remus spins and hops off the bridge to sit on stable ground. "I don't know how to. I mean, I can't make the words come out, because I'm terrified by them, and I've tried to avoid the words for years but... But I'm not leaving until I tell you!"

Sirius falls to his knees in front of a crying Remus, taking his hands in his own. "You don't have to tell me anything. It's alright."

"But I need to!"

"No you don't! Remus, you're freaking out just by thinking about saying it. I don't want to know what you'll do if you actually tell me!"

Remus screams in aggravation, burying his face in his hands. The air seems to be smothering him, and he's losing control of his reactions. His heart is pounding a million miles per minute, and, despite the warm spring air, chills take him over. His vision spots right before he is submerged into his memories.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kobe!"

Confused, Sirius asks who Kobe is, but Remus just moves his head from side to side, hoping to rid his mind of the devil.

"Remus, darling, Kobe isn't here," Sirius splutters out, unsure what to do. "It's Sirius."

Remus tries to comprehend that what he's living, hearing, feeling, is all a mind game, but it's terrifyingly vivid.

"Please don't hit me again..." Remus mutters quietly.

"Hit you? This Kobe guy hit you?"

Remus is long gone. He's stuck remembering the pain of Kobe's jealously. Kobe's disappointment. Kobe's insecurities. Why didn't he leave? Why couldn't he have left sooner? He's spent months wondering why. Why he didn't stop him? Why did the police laugh at him? Why didn't his parents refuse to let him over? Why did Kobe ever walk up to him in that ice cream parlor?

"He destroyed me."

Remus is finally able to snap out of it.

"Remus, no. He didn't destroy you. You're perfect to me."

"He... He always told me how cute I am. And he's so lucky to have me and... And then one day he just snapped... He told me I was an embarrassment. I'm a virgin embarrassment and why don't I dress hotter? More like him. And my sweaters look like I got them out of his grandma's closet and why do I have to be so pale in the summer? Why can't I gain a little muscle for him?" Remus scoots away from Sirius. "Why can't I just be a better boyfriend?"

"Remus-"

"- And then he would just go on a rampage and scream at me and I would say I'm sorry I'm so sorry and I'll be better and then he would hit me! I deserved it he said! I deserve everything!" Sirius goes to touch him, but Remus flinches away. "And then he would cry and apologize and I'm perfect didn't I know? And we would be okay and then he would go off again because my video games are so stupid and why are they more important than him! And he would break my games so I would pay attention to him! Then one day, he, he said he's bored. He's bored with the relationship because we're not doing anything. Because we don't have sex."

"Oh no..."

"Sirius, he said he would sleep with someone else if I didn't. He said that he would hit me if I didn't stop fucking moving. He said he would kill me if screamed again because his parents can't know he's a faggot."

Remus feels the tight grip on his mouth. Nails digging into the skin around his lips. Remus can hear the heavy, hot breath in his ear. The moisture weighs him down. He can taste the blood in his mouth from biting down on his cheeks. There are still scars.

"I didn't want to, but he was my boyfriend... He told me it's not... It's not rape if we're dating. Or if I liked it. Or if I didn't say stop. Sirius, I wanted it to stop. I want it to stop!"

Sirius's heart aches for the stuttering, sobbing, shaking boy in front of him. He had wondered in the past what caused Remus' self-esteem problems, but he has just figured he was bullied in school. much emotional trauma has been inflicted on Remus, and Sirius doesn't know how to help. So, very slowly, Sirius makes his way over to Remus. Little by little, he pulls Remus in a tight embrace. A hand on the shoulder. A slide to the back. Around the other shoulder. A pull close. This is all done to avoid triggering any more memories.

"Remus, I promise I will never hurt you like he did. I love everything about you. I love your sweaters and your Animal Crossing and your pale skin..." Sirius brushes away a tear. "I love you."

"I love you too..." Remus whispers. "Oh, God. I just ruined our date."

Sirius chuckles. "It's not ruined."

"It totally is."

Sirius kisses Remus softly. "Shh."

Saturday 11:03 a.m.

I told him.

Huh?

I told him about Kobe.

What happened?

I don't remember most of it. I was in and out of flashbacks and I had a panic attack. Sirius held me until I stopped crying and then he brought home and I fell asleep in his car I think because I don't remember getting into bed.

How do you feel?

Better. Relieved.

I'm glad.

-what the fuck are you guys doing up so early.-

It's an hour until noon.

-Which is when I like to wake up-

You're the laziest person I've ever met.

-For sure. Anyway, I'm glad you sorted out that stuff with Sirius and if you ever need to talk or blow up a trash can, hit me up.-

~
Lol not sorry about dropping that bomb on you guys. Happy New Year.