Being Pure

Chapter Twenty-Seven: All At Once

Chapter Twenty-Seven: All At Once

Addison's POV:

Anywhere but the warehouse, I prayed as we drove down the road. They had shoved me in the trunk and at first I thought it was super cramped, but now my legs are asleep and it doesn't really bother me anymore. I can hear the music from the front. It's slow and melodic, the piano nearly putting me to sleep. It sounds eerily close to the death march, but the piano part is a little too high. It's like a creepy lullaby and I can imagine these witches singing it to little babies before they eat them for dinner.

The car jolts suddenly and I get tossed up into the air. My head smacks against the roof of the trunk, making pain crack through my skull. Groaning, I roll over slightly, but that just makes pin and needles shoot up my legs. I didn't realize that being in the trunk could be so painful. The only other time I was in a trunk was when I was Hazel, but that feels like a long time ago. Like another lifetime.

But here I am getting kidnapped again. Does it count as a kidnapping if your friend sells you to a clan of witches? I assume so. It feels like I'm being kidnapped. I should have the feeling memorized by now and should expect it, but it hits me hard every time.

When they closed the trunk and the lights went out, I had cried. I had cried until my eyes burned with the tears. That was several hours ago. Now a numb feeling has crept inside me and I almost feel indifferent to the fact that I'm practically being driven to my death. I still have to push away thoughts of Dean though, because every time I think of his eyes or his hair or his voice I start gagging on tears that won't come. It's like I've cried myself out and my body actually won't let me cry anymore in fear of dehydration.

Drumming my fingers against my stomach, I try to think of anything else. There's no light in here except for the crack under the lid so I roll over to stare at it. The light wavers in front of me, the motion of the car rocking me slightly. It reminds me of when I was in the warehouse and would stare at the crack under the door. That thought makes me groan and I have to reposition my body so I don't have to look at it.

Every muscle in my body is exhausted, but how am I supposed to sleep? I'm technically in danger right now and that should make me want to stay on high alert, but instead I just feel so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of being kidnapped. I'm tired of doing these trials. And honestly, I'm tired of living. For a split second I consider what it would be like to just end it all, but then I think of Dean and realize I could never do that. Even if that's what I'm going to be doing by the end of this day.

I've been putting off thinking about dying. It's always been there, in the back of my mind, but it's never reached the surface long enough for me to understand it. I wonder which version of death is true. Heaven or hell? Everlasting life after death or nothing? The whole angel thing makes me think that there is most definitely a place for souls up there, but will I be allowed in? After everything I've done, as me and as Hazel, will God open his arms for me or cast me out?

I should have paid more attention in bible school. When I was a kid, my mom would make me go to church every Sunday no matter how much I protested. She really believed in all that forgiveness crap while I never really understood it. To think that some greater being was just going to forgive my sins seemed ridiculous. I wasn't anything special. I didn't deserve special treatment even if they said everyone got it. I deserved less.

Mom was the reason I got confirmed. Not to show God that I was here and that I cared, but for her. I sat through two hours of bible study every other Sunday and I hated every minute of it. But I bit my tongue and got confirmed as a Christian. I had to give this speech about what I learned, so I made up some crap about mercy and grace and got away without knowing shit about the bible. Mom was proud of me though, and that's all I needed. I think after the divorce she needed something to hold on to and so she latched onto faith. It's just a jump in the dark and she took it. I don't think I was ever brave enough to take it though.