Depressed, Hurt, & Lost

2: It's not a beauty pageant, It's my husbands' funeral

   It's been a week since I was released from the hospital. I haven't been to work or any where else for that matter. The funeral is tomorrow. Jonnies' parents took care of most of the arrangements, but wanted me to pick out the casket and his suit. Tomorrow is going to be harder than it was when I received the news. Realization hasn't set in yet and I don't think it ever will. Jonnie was my first everything and the one I lost my virginity to. These past few days I've been thinking back on all our memories from when  first met in 1st grade up until the crash. Thinking back to 1st grade made me chuckle .

Flash back

"Class this Jonnie Winchester  he's new to our school. I want you to make him feel welcomed. Jonnie you may go pick an empty seat," Mrs. Hamelton told the blonde headed kid. There were only two seats one beside me and one beside nose picking Jimmy. Jimmy choose the seat next to me and internally I was excited because It meant I could make a new friend.

 "Hi I'm Jonnie." he stuck his hand out.

 "Hi I'm Averee," I shook his hand. We just clicked after that. At recess that day he introduced me to his twin sister Emily who till this day is my bestfriend. We all even got accepted into the same college where me and Emily were room mates. All three of us were like three peas in a pod and now there's only two.

 There was a knock at the front door. I hobbled to answer the door.

 "Hey sis," Amy, my sister said coming in.

 "Hey," I hobbled back to the couch.

 "How's your leg doing?" she asked examining it.

 "It's fine I have to go to the doctor in two weeks to see if I can get the cast taken off," I looked at my leg. I hated looking at myself or even talking about the accident.

 "Mom and I have were talking about and thinking you should t-" I cut her off.

 "I don't want to talk about it Amy," I got up to go to the kitchen.

 "You need to it's not healthy to bottle up your feelings," she pressed.

 " I said I don't want to talk about it. I'm coping with it my way. Talking about it isn't going to bring them back," I said irritated.

 "Fine we're just worried about you, and want to be there for you," she softly said.

 "You guys are being there for me. I'll be fine I can handle it," I said lying trough my teeth

 " Okay well I'm going to go so I can get ready for tomorrow," she said getting her things. I heard the front door close and went to my room and cried myself to sleep.

 Dream

 I was in the same nightmare I've been having since the accident. It replays and replays it self over and over again. I saw our car at the red light like before the accident I always try to wake up before this part  but I can't. I was forced to watch the semi truck impale our car into a building. I could do nothing but stand there. And when I think it's over the nightmare replays itself it's a never ending cycle.

 I'm awoken by my alarm. This is a day I dreaded and thought I'd never have to wake up to do. Burying my husband is something I never imagined doing, I don't any wife imagined it. I got my turquoise dress out and set it on the bed. the standard for funerals are black, but it's too depressing. And honestly funerals were meant to celebrate their home going. Jonnies' mom considered the idea and I agreed to make her happy it's the least I can do.

 I showered and pinned my hair up in a bun I didn't bother with make-up I'll just cry it off. I looked myself in the mirror, and I looked like crap. It's not a beauty pageant, it's my husbands' funeral. I walked to my mom and put my dress on with one of my nude flats.

 I grabbed my purse and locked up the house and made my way to the church. As I made my way in people were coming up to me with the normal things they say 'I'm sorry for your lost' 'How are you doing?' 'Are you okay?' and yada yada. A lot of Jonnies' family was here most I remembered our wedding. Only my immediate family was here. Everyone got seated after viewing Jonnie. It was a very depressing environment which is what I expected no funeral is happy as far as I know. I was called up to the stage to give my speech. I cleared my throat and started off.

 "Hello everyone, Jonnie was a bright soul. H was the best husband and bestfriends I could've asked for. Just yesterday I remembered the first time we met in 1st grade. he was the new student and I always liked having a new kid in class because it meant I got befriend them. And at recess he introduced me to his and I was intrigued because they were twins and I had never had twin friends. From that day forward the three of us were inseperable  always wanting to go over each other houses. I'm pretty sure Jonnie is the only  boy my parents ever allowed over. When we were in middle school I always imagined marrying my prince charming and he was my prince charming. And I'm not going to say when he had a girlfriend I wasn't jealous cause I was," everyone laughed.

 "But marrying your bestfriend is the best thing that could happen to you, well at least it did to me. He was going to be a great father, and we were going to have most beautiful child but it just didn't seem to be the right moment I guess. Rest in heaven Jonnie and my angel baby," my voice cracked at the end.

 After Jonnie was lowered into the ground I became numb once again I felt like a robot. I told my parents and everyone I was going home, and they all asked if I was okay. The usual answer I said was yes, but I'm tired of lying so I told them no and made my way home. Once I made it home I drowned myself in alcohol and cried myself to sleep hugging Jonnies' shirt once again. Think, is it ever going to get better?

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