Depressed, Hurt, & Lost

6: Therapist

    

  This week has been better than last week. Tomorrow I have to go see the therapist. I kind of dreaded it but I'll never get better without going. And honestly deep inside I'm doing it for myself, but only to keep Jonnie around longer. I know it's selfish of me but I feel the least of guilt.

 Since it was Friday and I was being lazy I ordered pizza and decided on a Netflix night. I showered and got dressed in my pajamas and waited for my pizza. Not long after the doorbell rang signaling the pizza.

 "Hello," I greeted as I opened the door.

 "Hello , your total is $15.35," he handed me the pizza."

 "Keep the change," I said giving him a $20. He thanked me and I closed the door making my way to the living room. Tonight caused for a Gilmore Girls marathon since I haven't watched it in a while. I had just started season 5 as I dozed off into a peaceful slumber starting my wonderful dream with Jonnie.

 I heard my alarm go off multiple times. I finally got annoyed and got up to turn it off. I read the time on my phone 10:45. I took a hot shower and dressed for the semi chilly day. I had time to spare so I cleaned up the living room from last night and made myself a cup of coffee. 11:30 came around I got my stuff and headed to the therapist office.

 I made it there just in time. I entered the building taking in the silent environment.

 "Hello, I have an appointment with Dr. Nelson at 12," I said to the receptionist.

 "What's your name ?" she looked up at me.

 "Averee Winchester A-v-e-r-e-e," I spelled out my first name. Most people spell it Avery so I have to correct them.

 "Yes, take a seat he'll be out in a minute," she went back to her computer. The time went by slowly and I so badly wanted to leave. I hated talking to people about my problems.

 "Averee Winchester," a middle age man called, I assumed he was Dr. Nelson. I got up and walked through the door.

 "Hello I'm Dr. Nelson follow me back here," and I was right.

 We walked into his office which was dark except a lamp in the corner. Wow such a depressing room.

 "Okay, so can you tell me why you're here today?" he asked taking out his notebook to record the session.

 "My husband recently died 3 weeks ago," it was hard for me to say due to me not wanting to accept it.

 "How?" way to be blunt.

 "We were on our way to dinner at my family house when a semi truck slammed into us killing my husband and unborn baby ," I fiddled with my fingers.

 "You were pregnant?" I wanted to say duh but I know it wouldn't get us anywhere.

 "Yes," I said.

 "How far along were you?" I didn't see why any of this pertained to losing Jonnie.

 "4 weeks... what does this have to do with losing my husband?" I wondered.

 "I'm just taking notes Mrs. Winchester," I cringed at the last name.

 "Call me Averee I feel more comfortable with it," I told him.

 "How did you take your husbands' deaf?" he said like he's asked this question on a daily bases.

 "Not well. I went into drinking every night and ignoring my family," he scribbled something down.

 "What made you want to reach out to me?" I didn't know whether or not I should tell him.

 "After the accident I had nightmares of that night which is another reason for the drinking. One night I went to sleep and I thought it was going to be another nightmare but it was a white room. I saw Jonnie and he had told me that if I come and to therapy then he'll keep coming in my dreams, but as long as I was getting better. And I've been seeing I'm every night. I know it sounds crazy but it's true," I smiled at the thought of being able to see Jonnie again.

 "It doesn't sound crazy it's actually normal. But Averee what are you going to do when Jonnie stops coming," the thought scared me.

 "He isn't going to stop coming," I tried to assure him.

 "He will once he sees you getting better," he said.

 "But I need him," I said getting teary eyed.

 "Averee this dream you're having isn't healthy you have to move on, you can't stay stuck on it. If you don't let go and change you'll end  up in a  dark place that isn't easy to get out of," what he was saying was making somewhat sense but it scared me.

 "Okay we're out of time I'll see you next Saturday at 12," he said opening his door.

 "Okay, thank you Dr. Nelson," he nodded and walked to my car sitting and thinking about what we talked about.

 Tears started streaming down my face as I thought about not seeing Jonnie anymore, everything emotionally and physically draining me. Going to a therapist is more depressing than healing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Sorry it's short but I'm extremely busy with work and school. I'll try to update one more time this weekend but I can't promise.

Not edited