Depressed, Hurt, & Lost

3: Paralegal

 

  Monday came around which meant I had to go to work. I'm a paralegal at a big law firm in Seattle, my job is to help the lawyer I'm assigned to prepare for the closings, and tings lawyers do.

 Decided that I lounged in the bed enough I made my way to the bathroom to take my shower and get ready for work. While in the shower my mind went over the vision I had before I woke up in the hospital. I stepped out the shower missing the warm water I wrapped myself in my towel. I put on my usual work attire slacks, button down, and suit jacket. After checking myself one last time I left for work. On the way to work the car was silent nothing but the sound of the outside. I had to be at work in 15 minutes so I stopped at Minneys' Café. Jonnie and I stopped here all the time. You could say we were regulars.

 I walked inside instantly greeted by Minney.

 "Averee darling, long time no se. How have you been?" she was cleaning the counters.

 "Hey Minney, I've been barely making it through the days but I'm good," I said looking at the menu. It made no sense for me to look at it since I usually get the same thing. I looked down at my hands pondering whether I should tell her now or when I come for my lunch break. I'm surprised she didn't notice my foot.

 "I'm coming back for lunch if you can, I would like to have lunch with you and explain everything. And ill have the usual," she looked unsure but agreed and gave me my coffee and bagel.

 I made it to work just in time. I greeted Daisy at the front desk she greeted back with a sympathetic look on her face. I'm guessing the whole firm knows... great not the sarcasm. I was getting settled into my desk moving all the things the firm put on it. There were tons of cards, flowers, and balloons. You would think that they were throwing me a party. Not long after a few people came over and expressed their sympathy to me. As any normal person I thanked them and told them that o was dealing with it fine which was a complete lie. The rest of the day I couldn't focus on anything but the time. Everyday at 11:27 Jonnie would call so we could meet up at Minneys' for lunch at 11:30. I had logged onto my computer seeing the background broke me. I don't know where it came from but the tears were flowing and I couldn't stop them. People were staring but I didn't care I haven't exactly mourned the death of my husband.

 "Come into my office," my boss whispered into my ear. I managed to make it to his office without running into a wall or someone. I sat down in the chair in front of his des. the tears had subsided but I still had the sniffles.

 "Averee, if you need more time off you can take it. I know things aren't easy for you at the moment. Do you need more time?" he asked me.

 "No, I just had a moment that's all," I lied. I do need more time but if I him that then he would tell Emily and Emily would tell my sister and mom. Which would result in them forcing me to talk to them about it.

 "It's okay if you need it. Emily hasn't gone back to work yet. But she's made a little progress after seeing a therapist. I can give you the number to her therapist of you want," he offered. I'm tired of everyone thinking I need to talk to someone about it. If I wanted to talk to someone I would have did it on my own . Frustrated with the whole situation I got up and left his office. I know it was unprofessional of me to do that, but it was also unprofessional to have this conversation at work. grant my boss is Emily's fiancé we've become close over the few years but I did not want to talk about my husband and problems. I took my lunch break early. Instead of driving I decided to walk  to the café to clear my mind. My phone started ringing I checked it to see I ad an incoming call from Emily, I denied I didn't feel like talking right now. Walking through the streets of Seattle took my mind off a lot of things. I arrived at the café making my way to my normal booth. Minney made her way over to me with my lunch.

 "Here you go darling," she said sitting across from me. She let me eat in silence and after started asking questions.

 "So, where have you been these past few weeks?" she asked. I braced myself to tell her every thing.

 "Jonnie and I were in a car accident and he nor our baby didn't survive," my eyes getting teary.

 "Oh my lord Averee I'm so sorry," a tear slipped from Minney's eye. I took her hand in mine. Jonnie was like a son to her, he helped with anything she needed at the café.

 "You guys already had the funeral?" she asked wiping away the tears. I nodded. I felt bad that she wasn't invited, but Jonnies' mom handled the contacts.

 "I didn't handle anything at the funeral except the casket and suit or otherwise I would have notified you," I honestly said.

 "It's okay I understand when you lose someone so close to you your mind become discombobulated," she said. Minney had lost her husband a few years ago to cancer and she took it pretty hard. Her daughter took over until she came back. We talked about good memories and other stuff before I left. I went back to the firm to get my car. I've decided that I was done with work today. Something on my mind possessed me to go the opposite direction of my house. I didn't know where I was going until I ended up at the cemetery. I guess the mind wants what the mind wants. I got out the car and slowly walked to Jonnies' grave. Someone had recently been I could tell by the fresh flowers. I sat in front of  his grave mustering up something to say.

 "Hey baby, words can't explain how much I miss you. Everyday I see a vision of how we would have been in the future, and it hurts so damn much to know I will never have that vision. Everyone thinks I'm going down a dark path but that's the only way I know how to deal with the pain.  If I had the choice to have one more day with you I would give anything. There's this little voice in the back of my head that tells me there's a solution to end the pain, and some days it's hard not to listen to it but I think about our families. I feel so useless now, the same question goes through my head everyday 'what is my purpose in life?' And each night it gets harder to deal with. I hope you are happy up there with our babies," I said lastly as it started to rain. I made my way to the car and drove home in silence.

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