SAUDADE

3. ANOTHER ONE

I started to look for a temporary fix, because nothing hurt more than not talking to him. This pain was hidden deep inside my soul. I got myself a boyfriend, people started noticing the change I went through. But nobody really knew what happened that night. They didn't know about my love for him. So actually I was fooling everyone. I was even fooling myself into thinking that he doesn't matter to me anymore. But he did. I fell asleep thinking about him till I started seeing him in my dreams. Dreams were the only place we could talk and share laughs without people knowing. I couldn't pretend my love for my current boyfriend was as strong as my love for Elias. My boyfriend's eyes were dark. As dark as my heart was when I left him.

Everybody thought I went crazy. My friends didn't leave me the option to express my feelings at the time. So they believed the lies my former boyfriend spread. I really don't want to talk about it, because I'm not the kind of person to talk badly about people. But that time, there was no other choice than to build walls around my heart. I started to trust people less, because even a white rose has a black shadow. You can never really know when your friends will leave you, but I really wasn't expecting this.

It left me no choice than to start talking to Elias again. He was the only person I could trust at that time. Some time has passed and his arms felt like home again. Our hugging was interrupted by him going for a kiss. He told me he was waiting for this whole time just for me to be his again. It was just a couple of months but it felt like forever.

His eyes became a sea I got lost in and I haven't found an escape to.

His lips felt like I was kissing the universe.

His laugh replaced my favorite song. I could never get tired of hearing it.

His hands gave me a piece of heaven every time we touched. When we held hands, I held my entire world.

His arms around me made me feel as safe as a person being held by a guardian angel.

But not everything was so perfect. I was too broken and he was too jealous. We were never really together, but as I remember that time was the happiest I've ever been. We went on roadtrips and got lost along the way, because holding each other felt better than stepping of the train. We shared our secrets when we cried in front of one another on a spot that is still written in my mind. I can never cross that place without my heart wanting to jump out of my chest on the cold floor and begging me for being stepped on. Because that's just the way I felt when my love for him wasn't enough to make him stay.