SAUDADE

16. LOST SOUL

I'm Avis, her best friend.

Nicholas handed me the letter saying: "Anabell's dead. I'm sorry." I couldn't believe his words. But I had to. His hand was shaking and he was not the same smiley Nicholas everybody loved. His blue eyes became lost behind his eyelids. He didn't want to open them anymore. He said: "She's going to be here when I open my eyes again. It's just a bad dream. Please, Avis. Pinch me." I just hugged him. I knew I would start having a panic attack but I've always put everybody else's needs in front of my own. He kept saying that he's dreaming. I wanted it for it to be true because we shared the same nightmare as we were hugging. Anabell was gone. And nothing could ever bring her back. My hand was starting to shake, followed by my entire body. I started crying so hard but there was no use. I could never again feel her arms around me. She knew me better than I knew myself. She was always there for me. I thought she was distancing herself from me because of Dylan. But now I knew the reason why. She wanted me to save me the pain and be prepared when it happens. I could never be prepared. She was on my mind even when we didn't talk for two whole months. I still regret it. But now she's gone and all that remains is this letter and my pain. I know my pain will only start increasing when the letter will be read but I had no other option than to open it.

"Avis, love.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not being a good friend these past weeks. I was just struggling with my own pain. I hope you expected for me to go through it. The pain is easier that way.

I couldn't bear to see you sad and I wouldn't take it if I saw you die before I did. Just don't kill yourself when you choose to read this letter. It's going to hurt but the pain will become bearable. Just don't give up. I know you're fighting the same demons I fought with. The only difference is; you kept on living. You're so strong, baby. You're a fighter and I'm sorry I won't be there to fight with you but we both know that you're capable of doing this alone. It won't seem like it for weeks. But you'll keep on living and I'll look down on your wedding. I just want the best of you. You deserve every piece of love that you're going to get from a specific guy one day. Don't be scared to let someone in. Not everybody walks away. You'll learn that someday. And I'll be the proudest mofo in heaven when you do. I'm sorry for not being a bride's mate on your wedding. You know I'd love that. But not everybody gets a happy ending. And that's okay. That's why I want your ending to be as sweet as it can be. Falling asleep to your soulmate till you one day just don't anymore. I want you to die in your sleep with a smile on your face. It will be hell for your husband but I do know that you'd suffer more if you wouldn't be the first one to die. Keep on living, your fairytale is just about to get started. Thank you for everything."

The paper was all wet with tears. But it wasn't finished yet.

"Please, go on my Facebook and message the last 13 people I talked to. Others will find out later, if ever. Tell them I loved them I didn't have time to write more letters because my head started hurting from the pills I took. But just let them know I was thinking about them. None of them is the reason for me doing this. The only reason is me. Maybe they loved me, I just didn't feel loved. It's because of my demons. They never left me to believe I'm being loved by anybody. Explain what happened if you will need to. You're the right person for doing this. That's my final wish. You're extraordinary. Don't let the world make you believe otherwise. You're not weird. You're just different. And that's the thing I admired about you the most. Live for me.

LYMTYCI, your Anabell"

I just don't want to see the last letter being read. I think he will take it even worse than I did.