SAUDADE

9. JUST FRIENDS

Elias and I remained friends which was always hard since he wanted to be way more than that. And it was hard for me to see him destroyed by me but what can you do? This will sound mean of me but I guess it's fair that we both got hurt.

I know how it feels to have someone you can't have. It's hard looking at a friendship in which you see love. I've been there with Nicholas. I haven't told you about our friendship yet.

We've known each other for almost our whole lives. He was always the one who brought a smile to my face when all I wanted to do was cry. He's the kind of person I cannot pretend in front of. He's a sad individual but he cannot show it to the world. I know this because one time he vent to me saying that everything in his life sucks. I of course made him feel better as he always does just by being himself. He makes everyone smile, but he can't make himself smile. His laugh seems pure but secrets prevent him from being truly happy. And I'm afraid of him exploding one day without me knowing. He doesn't talk to anyone about his feelings. It makes me really sad to listen to songs on his playlist that show the dark side of him. I'm even more attached to him because I could never see him as a friend. Not really. I started to develop feelings for him in 8. grade. I don't believe it was real love either way. But I only had guts to admit it to him for his birthday a year and a half later.

The story about us started when we were about three years old. He lived just down the street at that time and we hung out a lot. We played hide and seek till all the lights went off and he was always the Ken to my Barbie when we played with dolls. We gave each other kisses on the cheek till we actually grew older and his parents separated. His mother got the ownership and he moved. But we didn't lose contact. We always found a way to see each other. He's in my every childhood memory.

He has the most wonderful sense of humor and never fails to make me laugh. We have a picture of us standing side by side with a color red to match. I wore a white dress with a red belt and he wore a red shirt under a black tuxedo. It's the best picture we ever made together. Speaking of red, we once played a video game in which he used to drive a red Ferrari. He always let me win when it came to video games because he wanted to see me smile. But the main reason for my smile wasn't winning. It was caused by his presence.

We could always just lie in bed and talk about whatever before he started to tickle me. And he's even the only person who can actually go through it without me ending up mad. I hate tickling but he always stops when I ask him to. And then we hug. My home became his home because he usually calls just about 5 minutes before he shows up at my door. He plays bass and one time he tried to teach me how to play it but he soon gave up. I love it when he plays in front of me. Or when he sings his deep voice makes me ask myself how come girls don't stand in line for him. He's really one of the best people I've ever got to know and I'm glad I can even be his friend.

My love confession towards him included those sentences: "Who is a person I think of every moment of a day? Who is a person who makes me laugh even when he's not around? Who is a person I keep thinking of before I go to sleep? Who is a person I can't think of without my grin extending to my ears? Who is a person who makes me strong but is still my weakness? Who is a person I'd chose over and over again even if he hurts me? It's you. It's always been you. I always compare you to every other boy I met. And there's no one who's better than you. But our friendship is more important than my feelings towards you. It burns my heart just thinking about you being with someone else but me, but I need to remind myself love is about letting go. I want you to be happy and if there's any way I could be that happiness let me know."

I fell in love with my best friend. And even though love was just one sided I'm glad I told him. It made it easier to come through it without thinking of what could've been. And if we remained friends even through the awkwardness that followed, I think we will actually remain friends forever.