SAUDADE

17. THE FINAL LETTER

My name is Elias. I don't like Nicholas. He had my baby's heart long before I did. But I had to take the letter from his shaking hand. He just said: "Thanks for breaking her." I didn't understand it at first. I do now.

And I get to write the last chapter. I always wanted to be her last. But my mistakes and pain caused her to walk away. I will never forgive myself for it. My hands became shaky. My vision got blurry. I knew what the letter was about. I decided to skip school just so I could read it on our place. I took the bus and half an hour later I was on our bench. The one by the lake where ducks used to play in summer. It was a shame not seeing ducks. The wind kept blowing but I was holding on to the letter tightly.

With bloodshot eyes I read:

"Dear Elias,

I can never explain the feelings that were caused by you. It felt like forever, the thing you made me believe in. We kissed, we hugged, we ran hand in hand and we shared. We shared never forgotten memories. Your lips trembling as you cried about a lost love. I never knew it was me. I thought you were talking about her. And you didn't prove me otherwise. Your jealousy had nothing on me. I was the one who was supposed to be jealous. Your arms were not only my home, but hers, too. And that's where you went wrong. I know you keep saying you made a mistake, but I don't really think so. I taught you to break down your walls but my walls kept climbing up with every lie you ever told. The pain just won't go away. You've broken me. And I could never be fixed again. Your touch felt like a flame. It was exciting at first but I didn't run while I still could. I got burned. I know how you look right now. Your eyes can't keep up with the words you're reading. Your hands are shaking and not even one of your cigarettes can help right now. You keep looking for my hand; the one that got to calm you down every time you started to shake. But you can't find it. You wanted the cigarettes to keep you warm, because you became cold towards every one when I walked away. But what was I supposed to do? I could never trust you again. But we both made mistakes, didn't we? I never told you that I loved you. That's why you kept looking for another pair of lips to kiss. But you soon found out that there was no one as good as me for you. At least you said so.

It's too late now. But if it counts; I loved you. And I'm sorry my actions didn't prove it quite well. But we fought too much. There was no good time for me to express my emotion. I know I broke you on that cold night. And I'm sorry. Maybe it would turn out differently.

Just know that when I imagined my future, it was with you. I was imagining of coming home to our bed and snuggling up by a movie; my hand in your hair. And our two kids in the next room. We would make the perfect example of love. I wouldn't let our love turn cold. Our kids would know that forever does truly exist. I'd wake up to your sea-filled eyes as you'd say: "Good morning, beautiful." Our wedding ring would be just a promise of being there for each other through the ups and downs. Nobody would care to break us, because our love would always bring us back together every time we drift apart. And we both know we can't stay mad at one another for long.

Now, the ugly truth; we will never be able to do that. I hope this comes back to haunt you.

The one who got away, Anabell"

Is she fucking kidding? I told her there was no other girl I loved more than her. And my pose was exactly like that. But not for long; I don't want to live without her. I broke her. I could never live with the constant pain of never looking back into her eyes as she would give me that perfect smile of hers. I wanted to grow old with her as much as she seemed to. I lost the best of me. No other girl could ever compare to her. She was the one and I let her go. I'm an idiot. Why did I ever kiss another? Her lips were the only ones I ever wanted to kiss. Till the day we both die. She wasn't the one who needed to die. Maybe I won't even get to chance to see her when I die. She was an angel on earth and she's an angel on the other side. I'm going to hell. I'm sorry, babygirl. Just know that if we're meant to be, we will be. Maybe not on earth but we'll meet again. And that time, I'm not letting you go.

We could've have heaven on earth because that's just the way it would feel to hold you every night until we both fall asleep. But I fucked it up. I fuck everything up. But I will not fuck up my death. I will not fail again. I bet you picked that place as a place your funeral will be at. I want to be on your funeral. And if they ever find a heart with a name on it, it will be mine and the name in it will be: Anabell. The name of the most beautiful girl to ever exist. I love you. I'm coming to see you now. I can't stand another minute on this earth without you. I'm glad I brought my pills with me. 20 should be enough.

If you jump, I jump,

Elias