SAUDADE

14. WHY IS GLORIA HERE?

Dylan here. I still can't believe it. I'll end up in tears writing this.

My sweetheart was in a real bad mood yesterday. But she had those days before. She cried in front of me before. I was always there to try to cheer her up. She went to sleep. I kept thinking about what she was saying. I fell asleep thinking of her.

I woke up in my bed and texted her good morning as I always do. But she didn't reply. I thought she forgot her phone at home because it already happened to her once. But I was still worried. I had a bad feeling. And that feeling increased when I saw Gloria walking towards me with a letter in her hands. Gloria was crying as she came to me and said: "She's dead. Here's a letter she left for you. I'm sorry." And she kept on walking with teary eyes. I was crying, too. I sat on a bench and cried. There was my name on the letter. My hand kept shaking. I couldn't get myself to read the letter just then. She was gone. She said she would end her life on her own terms but she still had so much to achieve.

I opened the letter and burst into tears again. Her special handwriting speaking so poorly about herself.

It read: "Hi, baby. I know my death is going to hurt you the most. But I really had no other choice. It was never your fault. You were my sunshine. And you made every day a bit better to get through. But I knew I would only ruin you in time. I know this is the worst way to ruin you. I'm sorry.

You were my ray of sunshine while all I saw was just clouds in the sky. You tried to fight them but there was no use. I could never see the sunshine as a whole. Dark clouds kept creeping in. I really don't know what to say. We've been through so much. Thank you for not giving up on me. I'm sorry I gave up on myself long before you tried to fix me. I know this is going to haunt you for the rest of your life but not every girl you meet is going to hurt you like that. It's okay to get attached again. I want you to be happy. I'm sorry the reason for your smile can't be me anymore. But you'll love again and it will be magnificent. I know you'll spend your nights crying. But you need sleep, baby. I really don't want you to start failing your classes. You're smart and about to achieve everything you put your mind to. I love you. I will not stop loving you. Someday we'll end up in heaven together. I know you don't believe in that but I'll be watching over you as your guardian angel. That's what your role was when I was alive. You were my guardian angel. But I kept clipping your wings by my own scissors. Don't forget to fly, my love. You're spectacular and I only want the best for you. You have a huge heart and I'm sorry I broke it. Don't forget me. Keep me in your memory and when you look up to the sky just know that I'm looking back at you, smiling. Because heaven will be a place for me to smile in. I wouldn't be able to touch you, but I'll keep you in my heart. You're always going to be a part of me.

With love, Anabell

PS: Tell Nicholas' best friend that there is a letter for him in a mailbox of a house where we spend our childhood in"

How could she say that I'm going to be fine? I will not be close to fine while looking at some other girls' eyes, because they could never compare to her world-looking eyes. My heart is heavy. She was perfect for me. I just hoped to convince her that the world isn't a bad place after all. She always had my shoulder to cry on. But it wasn't enough.

Her demons kept saying she isn't loved although I loved her more than anything. Why am I speaking in past tense? I love her. She's gone but my love for her will always remain. Even when my mind needs to be filled with the thoughts of school. I blame the world for being so cruel to her before she even had the chance to meet me. And fuck, she was about to achieve so much. She just didn't believe it. She could become an author, she could become anything. She just didn't have the motivation to do so. I never understood her struggles but I do now. I know how she felt. Always missing the person who was once there but cannot be brought back. She felt that pain every day. She was missing a person that she was. She was missing the happy girl who always smiled when someone looked at her. She was missing picking daisies in a field of sunshine. She missed her old self who was killed by those who couldn't love her back. At least not as much as she loved them.

Why did you need to do that, baby? I already miss you. Please, come back.