SAUDADE

10. WHAT IF THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY CAME BACK?

I only mentioned about three people so I guess I'm going to start writing about people who I lost because of my ex-boyfriend.

When I came to highschool I thought things would get better because people always made fun of me in middle school. They called me names and made my life a living hell. Of course I had friends there. If not, I don't think I would be alive just now. In 8. grade I started not caring about people who talked badly about me and focused on 4 of my friends I could rely on, two boys and two girls. Weird, both of my boy friends in middle school were in love with me at some point but it never even got to a kiss with neither one.

Not caring worked a lot but I think all of those kids were only preparing me for high school. Which I didn't know would get one of the main problems.

I always had trouble expressing myself in front of others because I was shy so I wanted to start off fresh. And I did, at least for a while. I started to show myself off as a happy kid, always up for a talk or a shoulder to cry on. People didn't even know I was fighting my own battles. A wide smile always caused boys to get interested in me. But it was never real.

I had a group of 3 friends. We always hung out during lunch break and we had a lot of fun together. One of them was my best friend. But not for long.

Their names are Tea, Kalie and Caelina. I was dating Kalie's friend Pete. Tea had problems with her demons so Kalie and Caelina started to ignore her. I was her only friend when everybody else in the class started to hate her and call her names. But I still regret leaving her on her own because of her boyfriend Lael. Lael was Pete's best friend and I had a lot of information about their relationship. It freaked me out since they were moving at a really quick pace. And her cry for help became annoying since I didn't really let anybody know I had my own problems. I didn't want them to see me weak. After a while I stopped hanging out with Tea, but I made a mistake. Kalie found a new best friend and she left me on her own feeling unwanted. But there came a day when I knew I was on my own.

We were sitting at a lunch table and she started talking about my break up. I really wasn't in a good mood that day but I thought at least my friend Gloria had my back. She remained silent. That's when I knew I can't rely on anyone. I'm always the helper. I'm the strong one. So I end up hurting the most because choosing my own happiness for once was a mistake. And even Lael, who we were really close with, fucked me over. Not to mention Nicholas and Avis which I didn't tell you about yet. She was my first real best friend. The one I could tell anything to. Others were just to laugh with. I didn't hung out with Elizabeth at that time yet.

So when I lost everyone because of choosing my happiness over my ex's I thought my life was over.

But later they came back begging me for forgiveness. I never had a huge fight with Nicholas about it but it really bothered me since he stepped on Pete's side. And so did everybody else. I was alone.

But my inner self quickly started to miss all of them. I never prayed them for forgiveness. I just acted like everything's fine although I was breaking on the inside.

They came back when they found out Pete spread lies about me. But nothing's ever been the same after that. Even your shadow leaves you in the darkness. You always have to have your own back. People are not to be trusted.