SAUDADE

15. CHILDHOOD BUDDY

This is Nicholas.

My best friend handed me the news. What the fuck did she do? I've known her for my whole life and now I will need to say that I don't know her anymore because she's dead? I instantly grabbed my bike and head to the mailbox. I knew my mother was going to freak when I come home but I don't care. I need to see her handwriting for the final time. I'll write when I get to Anabell's house. I need to see her parents.

I came over with letters and everybody was crying. Even her dog knew something wasn't okay. She felt her absence, just like I did to. She would always come to walk me to her room wearing a messy bun and her sweats. But she wasn't today. And she never again will be. I said my condolences. I sat down on the couch and read the letter with my name on it.

It read: "Hi, buddy. I know this is shocking for you. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about my struggles. I knew you have enough on your own. I always cherished you as a friend. Remember the great moments that we shared. Like playing with Barbie dolls or tickling each other on my bed later on. Just know that you're always welcomed to my house. My parents love you. Maybe more than your own mom does. I'm sorry for the shit she puts you through. You truly don't deserve it.

I know I asked you about your parents' divorce but I can't stop thinking about it. I know it had to hurt although you said you don't remember it that well. You were only just a little boy. But isn't it hard having two homes; I bet one of them doesn't feel like home. I just hope you won't distance yourself from my parents because seeing my house is about to hurt so much. You'll remember our backyard as a place we used to play hide and seek on and my bed will no longer be scented by me. I hope you won't close into my room and cry on the bed. But it's okay if you do. Let it out. Crying is okay. You're not less of a man if you cry. Always remember that. Don't keep the pain bottled in. Put it out. Tell the people how you feel. You can't be strong all the time. And you shouldn't be. I'm just sorry I won't be able to be there for you. I hope you get to play your pain out. I'll be watching down on you from above.

With love, Anabell"

She told me not to cry on her bed but that's exactly what I did. I was sitting on a couch and my eyes became watery. But everybody else was crying, too. And now I'm in her room and everything is the same, and yet nothing is the same. There is no sign of her not being here anymore. All of the posters are still up; her plushie is still laying on the bed. But she's gone. My hands are holding the other two letters. I can't wait for the pain that's about to strike them when they found out the tragic news.