SAUDADE

13. WE CAN'T BELIEVE IT

I'm Anabell's classmate. We found out when our class teacher started crying. We've never seen her cry. We started looking around for answers. She said that something terrible has happened. Everybody went silent. The only person missing was Anabell. A girl who always smiled and a girl you could always ask to lend you a pen. We couldn't believe it when she said her parents called because she attempted suicide. Some people started holding their heads. I saw Tea end up in tears. She started shaking so hard I had to walk her to the bathroom. I had teary eyes, too. How can a person just not be there anymore? We joke about suicide without the thought some people think about it every single day. And even if we know, we do not help. We think they're just begging for attention. But attention doesn't matter anymore when something tragic happens. The class teacher insert a letter of Anabell's to Gloria's hand. Actually there were two letters.

I'll let Gloria speak on.

Hi. My name is Gloria. I was her best friend. We'll at least I thought I was. I didn't pay attention to her skipping lunch or bags under her eyes.

I've opened the letter headed to me:

"Hi. You may read this in front to the class.

Classmates, I'm sorry for not fitting in. You're all really smart and have a whole future in front of you. That's not the case for me. I never seemed to be smart enough. I wish you all of the luck in the world. And for the people who only started caring about me now; shame on all of you. You couldn't know your criticism really hurt me deep down because I kept smiling. I was used to it already. But maybe my suicide will speak to you. Care about each other and don't put other people down. I'm thinking about Kalie and Caelina while speaking of this. You were never truly my friends because you left me in the dark when I needed you the most. Please, sort out your messed up mind by yourself. Was being popular and putting other people down really worth of my death?

And now for the people who didn't intend to hurt me:

Gloria, I'm sorry I pushed you away. I just couldn't bear of you playfully criticizing every damn thing I did. You knew I wasn't okay. And you kept making me feel worse about myself every single day. It was not "just a joke" to me. It really hurt because half of a lie speaks the truth. I really don't know what else to say. Just don't cry. It's not all your fault. You were one of the few things who got me going on. But not for long. My demons started to creep on me again. I'm sorry for not listening to your stories anymore. I guess you'll have to find another person who will do that instead of me. I'm sorry.

Tea, I know this is going to hurt you badly. Just know that there was nothing you could do. Please, don't blame yourself. I wouldn't bear for Lael to break down by your suicide. I cared for him, too. You've made mistakes, but everybody else did, too. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Not everything is your fault. I've made a mistake when I stopped talking to you. I'm sorry. Just keep on living. I don't want to see you in heaven anytime soon.

I cared about you guys the most. I wouldn't be okay with you two going through some bad thoughts because of me not fitting in to the world. You couldn't change it even if you tried.

Have a lovely life.

Sincerely, Anabell"

My hand started shaking while reading it. I saw Tea's bloodshot eyes. I saw my classmates holding hands and sighing with despair. They didn't know about her struggles. And now they're sorry. I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry for not being a better friend to her. I'm about to blame myself for it. We will have to stick together through this hard time.

I have found an attachment to the letter. It said to wait for Dylan and hand him the other letter.