SAUDADE

8. A NEW BEGINNING

The summer has ended. I really didn't want to attend the first day of school because it felt like a prison to me.

Some were the guards and others were prisoners. That's just the way it felt. It still does. The popular ones make fun of others because their life isn't interesting enough to mind their own business. But it's a shame you see, that good people actually suffer the most. It shouldn't be like that ever. And when your grades fail because of your mental health everybody keeps saying you will not achieve anything in life if you work like that. But how could I study without the motivation to make something out of myself if I know I won't live that long? It's pointless. Parents keep asking how can't you work harder but don't realize they're sometimes even the reason of it. How could I study if I keep listening to their fights? How could I study if my vision gets blurry with tears every time I think of my future? I don't have a bright future. And the people without many problems don't really know how you can be so bad if you have more free time than they do. It's because I spend most of my free time stressing about every possibly thing and don't get anything done.

It's like a marathon. Like you cut your leg off before you should run. I don't even get the chance to try to get to the finish line because my negative attitude about the leg is stopping it. Trying to study is completely like that. You know you're going to fail so you actually don't bother even trying. And the pain of everybody else doing better than you hurts. Even though the therapist asked me about my grades he said that they're just false information. The real information about who you really are is hidden in your hobbies. It's about expressing yourself in the way that school cannot handle. It's about dealing with your problems. Even if it's just by crying. "Crying is okay", he said. "You got to let out your feelings somehow. Have hobbies because they make you who you are. Express. Not impress. Do your own thing and start loving yourself because the people who smile big spread the positive energy all around. And that's what a world needs. Life is shitty, indeed. But you can find something beautiful in every single thing.

Like poker cards. Some people have good cards literally given to them. They only see good and don't look around for anything else. It would be easier to see things from that perspective. But I'm not like that. You are not like that. We feel more. We see all shades of colors but you can look at the cards the way that you're about to lose or you can make it positive by saying: "Look at all this colors I got. They're beautiful." And fuck, I wouldn't want to feel less. Some people stick to the surface and others go deep. And even though it's hard maintaining a positive attitude, it's worth it. Get attached. Fall in love. If you keep living in your shelf without ever opening up you're about to pass by the best things in your life without feeling a damn thing. Don't let sadness ruin the happy moments. It hurts a lot to let go, but it's always worth it. One day you're going to look back. And you will just pray to have it all back again. Live now. And make the best of it despite your inner self. Life is like a rollercoaster. You fear you're going to fall off every single time. But you never do. Just enjoy the ride and don't look down again."

It gave me a lot to think about. I will always be grateful for that. He survived even though his demons were begging him to give up. But he never did. He kept on living and proved that he could make something out of himself despite the people who told him otherwise. And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep on living. And god damn, I'm going to make it beautiful.