SAUDADE

7. PLUSH ANIMALS

Elias wasn't okay when I said we can only be friends. He was so low that he took some pills and passed out. The next morning I found out that if it wasn't for his mother his heart would've stopped beating. He ended up in the emergency room and I still start shaking just by the thought of him going through it. It really hurt me because even though he put me through so much pain I could never stand his absence.

I wrote him a paragraph about the world looking different without him being on it and how my world stopped spinning just by thinking about not being able to see him ever again.

It said: ''Elias, I know it's tough for you to see that I have a boyfriend and I seem happy. But I really wouldn't bear you not being present in my life anymore. I started crying when you told me you almost killed yourself. I hadn't caught my breath in an hour. That's why I'm writing to tell you that it would be a shame spending my life without seeing you smile ever again. I love it when you smile. And I love it even more when the reason is no one but me. And not feeling your hands around my waist when you hug me as tight as you were trying to fix my broken heart? I know it's also been broken by you but it doesn't really matter. I broke your heart too.

How could I walk pass the spots we kissed so much our lips bleed from passion without wanting to see your lips ever again? Where your eyes were the only universe I ever needed to see. Our kissing spot would be named a crying spot because fuck, it would get lonely without seeing you walk by my side as we walked through the forest in the complete dark holding hands because I got scared and you were the only light I knew. You're my light, Elias. Even in my darkest times, even if they are caused by no one but you. And my happy place. I would never visit it anymore. Why not? Because I could go there and got lost off all of the bad thoughts but how could I do that without looking at the empty space beside me where you used to sit with me?

It's not worth it. I'm not worth it. You deserve so much more than I could ever give you and I'm sorry I became the blade you sliced your skin with. I'm sorry for being the thought of not being there because you can't stand seeing me happy with nobody else. You want to be the source of my happiness. And just remember that you are. Through whatever our life throws at us. Your presence fills my life with a person who had always had my back. And you know that I am here for you too. Please, don't ever try it again. I care about you and my life would become a nightmare if I would dream about you but then wake up to you not being there anymore. And honestly, I don't think I could live anymore. You remember The Notebook? We said we would watch it but never had a chance to. But remember this: ''If you jump, I jump.'' Even if it means ending my life because a world without you isn't the world I would ever want to wake up to.

Sincerely, your fellow adventurer.''

And because of this we ended up seeing each other a week later. I brought my backpack with me and gave him a plush animal that reminded me of him. I used to fall asleep hugging it, wishing it was him. I sprayed it with the perfume I always used when he was by my side. And of course I couldn't let my thoughts being unsaid: "If you're ever sad, just cuddle the plushie and I hope it warms your heart by thinking of me hugging you while you cry."

He started crying just like many times before. But it was different. I've never seen him cry happy tears before. We hugged and said goodbye shortly after.

One day he came for a walk, bringing his cigarette smudged red backpack. He normally carried a radio with him so that didn't surprise me but something else was hidden in it. He told me to look inside the backpack, finding a plush animal. I started crying because he said almost the same thing as I did; later to find out this plushie was really special to him. I said I couldn't take it. It meant too much to him. All he said was: "Take it. It's special to me. But you're special to me too. That's why I want you to have it."

We hugged as tight as we possibly could because I wanted to hear his heart beating. It always relaxed me. Knowing that we both suffer, but I wouldn't let him face it alone. And he wouldn't either.