SAUDADE

12. NEW CHAPTER

Hello. We're Anabell's parents. We got some bad news.

Anabell killed herself. We found her in the morning. She was lying on the floor. We thought she passed out but she was cold. Her eyes were wide open but I've never seen them so dark as this morning. She wasn't smiling. She was just numb. Some pills were spilled on the floor. We tried to carry her, well at least I did. My partner said she passed away and that there's nothing we can do. His eyes were watery as he said it. I started crying and holding her hand. She was holding on to a piece of paper.

It said: "I'm sorry, parents. I guess life isn't for everybody. I know you're going to blame yourself, but please don't do it. You tried to raise me right. But my sadness became bigger and bigger. Of course you didn't even know about it. I'm sorry I'm telling you all this when it's too late.

I was never quite okay with the world. I was never okay with myself. And I felt like the world is just waiting for me to quit. Well, I know you weren't but I can say that I didn't feel loved in our house. I know it was hard for you two to see me start closing the door of my room. I just wanted to be alone since that's the feeling I grew with. It always surrounded me. Even when I was just a child with daisies in my hand, a pink dress and a ribbon in my hair. I never felt pretty. No matter which pretty dress you guys dressed me in. And I know it's hard for you two to see your only child dead when you already lost one. But I keep blaming myself for his death. And I wanted to be even more perfect since dad, you never got a son. I know you wanted to have one. But you got a girl although I didn't seem like a girl when I was little. You tried to teach me about boy things; about football and how to prepare things. And I loved every second of it. But I couldn't stand your pain knowing that you're only doing that because you wanted a boy. I know it broke your heart and my mom's, too. But I could never be a kid you wanted. Well maybe I was when I was in middle school. I had good grades back then. And I didn't need a therapist although every day hurt. But when I started high school nothing was the same. My grades started slipping and I almost failed a subject. I saw the disappointment in your eyes when you said anything about my grades. I'm sorry. I just could study while crying because pages of my notebook would be all wet. Mom, I wouldn't let you pay for that, too. You cried at the end of every month saying that you can't pay for things that I want. That's why I stopped eating in school when I ran out of money. I didn't want to cause more trouble. I always lied and said I've eaten in school. And you needed to have money for dad's cigarettes and alcohol. I always feared of your heart stopping, daddy. I just hope it doesn't stop beating as you see my body lie on the cold floor. I'm sorry. And please don't drive drunk anymore. I can see my mother's scared look when I look in the side mirror. I don't want you to die. I'm sorry I had to.

Just know that I'm thankful for every lollipop and plush animal you ever got me. I'm thankful for all the tears you wasted on me. And god damn, thank you for changing my stinky diapers. I know this wasn't an easy job. Please, don't blame yourself for my death. I just wanted to make you happy. But I never could. I'm sorry.

Now for the final part: I started to write a story and I would be pleased if you guys would write a chapter about how you reacted to my death. Make sure you insert this letter there, too. I know it's going to be hard but I'd really like that. And don't worry about my funeral. Just spread my dashes by the water where ducks gather every year. You know the one. I left my computer running. You see a blank page on it. Please don't ever close it till the story is finished. You'll have to bear with people writing chapters about my death because that's my final wish. My last wish was to write a story. I'm sorry I had to die before I to finished it. You can read it. But with the help of you two and my friends the story will be finished. Oh, I also want a song for my "funeral": The Neighborhood – R.I.P. to my youth. I want it to play while my ashes are spread on the place I found myself and lost myself in. Dylan knows my phone password. Make sure you invite the people who are about to write chapters to the funeral. The letters for everyone who deserve an explanation for my sudden death are in my poem book. It's on the table. The letters have names on it. Once again: I'm sorry and I'm thankful for everything you've ever done for me. Make sure to thank other family members, too.

With love, Anabell"

As we read it, we cried so hard we had to catch our breath from time to time. She was our only child, but we really did love her. I'm sorry for not knowing about her everyday struggles. She was a trooper, always smiling. We didn't know it was that bad. If we did, it would've been different. Of course she started crying yesterday but we thought it was caused by the movie she was watching. We never knew we're about to wake up to see her dead body. We thought she would be the last one to die. We will have to live with the constant pain of not helping her when we had the chance. Now we will not only visit one grave every 1. November. We're sorry for not being better parents. We're sorry for not knowing when her smile was fake. We just wanted her happy. We didn't know it was that bad. If we did, we wouldn't have made it harder for her. It's going to be hard not seeing her smile or hug her anymore. We had one job and didn't even do that one right. We're truly sorry. She's always going to be our little girl and we'll always love her.

Sincerely, Anabell's mom and dad