SAUDADE

11. NUMBER 8

The day started off just like any other. But I didn't know I'd feel like this at the end of it.

I had plans with a friend of mine but he canceled them for his girlfriend so that was a good beginning.

That's why I wrote and watched a movie. It reminded me of Elias. I'm still asking myself who he was cheating on really. Was it her or was it me? Did he rather lose me or her? I'll never know since I don't believe a word he says anymore. The main character in the movie sat on a motorcycle and I thought he was going to crash. Elias kept saying he's going to crash his car or a motorcycle when he gets one. I always said he won't because I would be sitting right next to him.

But the only person who ended up suicidal today was me. I didn't quite talk to anyone today. Till Lael came back home and I explained everything I had in mind. I was already crying by then. All of the people left or will leave at some point. And even though many people surround me I always end up alone. It was like that since middle school. I was never a normal child because I never dreamt about any job. I was afraid of the world and what it's going to bring. And still it was the best time of my life. Because I at least had the hope to blow out candles and make a wish. I always made the same wish. To not be an only child and it almost came true. Everything fell apart when my mother said she's about to get abortion. Since then I wish to die when I blow out my birthday candles. Because fuck, it gets lonely here. I never belonged to anyone but everybody belonged to me. And that's where I went wrong. I tried to make everybody happy but I never can. I hurt people by getting distant. But they could never understand it. I pretend to be this happy girl so people keep complimenting me on my wide smile. But it's all just a mask, you see. I wake up tired. I go to sleep tired. I am tired of trying to be good enough for everyone when I can't even be enough for my damn self. Everything hurts. I wanted to tear my skin open but all that remained were the red stains of my nails. Because I can't even hurt myself. I would hurt other people if I did. I want to be a role model. A person people look up to. Most people don't know I want to give up every day of my life. But those who do admire me not giving up. But I'm about to snap. I've been crying for a solid hour and I don't think I'll stop till I fall asleep. Everyone thinks the problem I'm being so distant is them. Don't take it personal. It's just the piled up shit I had to live through. Every day is a nightmare. No one can shut off my demons. I started to like them. We agree on many things:

- I will not achieve anything in life.

- I'm a loser.

- It's pointless to even try to get better anymore

- Every happy moment gets interrupted by my sadness.

- My smile is never real.

- I'm ugly.

- I don't like my body.

- My friends hate me.

- I hate me.

- Every breath is hard to take.

- My life is a black hole and I'm being sucked in it.

- Death is the only time I will not feel as pathetic as I do right now.

And fuck I want to be there for you guys. But you'll do just fine without me. I don't imagine anyone breaking down because of my death. Some people would even be happy if I died. My father could buy more cigarettes and alcohol. My mother wouldn't have to work shifts anymore. My friends could get rid of me. I could get rid of my feelings.

Death is beautiful. My anxiety wants peace and quiet so that's what it's going to get.

The sun would still shine and the world would keep on spinning without noticing that it's missing a person. I think my death wouldn't change a thing. I'd stop being a burden for everybody. My grades wouldn't make my parents disappointed anymore. My schoolmates would say that i deserved it since I was so annoying.

I'm sorry father, I'm sorry mother. I'm sorry I could even do one thing right. I know I make your life harder to get through. Without me you could peacefully split up without me being affected by it.

I'm sorry, friends. I'm sorry I pushed you away but I cannot trust anymore. It hurts too much to be let down again and again. I can't worry about you anymore when nobody is ever worried about me.

I'm sorry, boyfriend. I'm sorry I can't be the amazing girlfriend you deserve. You deserve the world and I can't even give you the sun. I can only give you endless tears. Everything hurts. I love when you hold me but it hurts like hell that one day you're about to walk away. Just like everybody before you. And I cannot blame you, you deserve a girl with perfect hair and a girl whose head isn't a mess. I'm sorry all I ever do is snap at you. I just can't do it anymore. I can't get attached. But I did and I hate myself for it. Because everything is temporary, even life. And I just hope you find a girl who you're going to love without worrying about her well being.

I'm sorry, Elias. I wonder how things would turn out if I said yes. That's when we weren't broken just yet. I'm sorry but forever doesn't exist. I stopped believing when your tongue was leaving marks on another girl's neck. I hope you get your forever. I want you to have a house and two kids. A bigger boy so she could watch over your girl.

I'm sorry, society. I can never be perfect. My hair is always a mess and my teeth aren't white. I don't have the body that makes a boy fall off his feet. I can never be enough.

I'm sorry, teachers. I'm sorry you had to deal with a stupid fuck like me. You really shouldn't have to. You won't have to prepare extra tests because I fail the first one. The environment will be better then, too.

I'm sorry, shirt. I've been crying for about two hours. My vision got blurry. You're not going to be wet in the morning anymore. I'll be gone.

I'm sorry, brother. You could've been there except for me. You could maybe do something out of yourself. I never could nor will I. I don't want to live your life. Either it's two of us or neither of us. I'm sorry, baby. I'm going to see you in heaven.

You know when you need to put your pain on scale from 1 to 10. This was only my number 8. 

Now if you excuse me I'm about to take some pills and head to sleep.

Goodbye.