By Now

Sympathy

"Harry?"

I look up, red rimmed eyes focusing on Louis. "Lou?" I choke and start to cough.

"Harry..."

Sympathy. I don't want sympathy. Right now, all I want is Red.

Red. Red. Red. All I could see was Red. The Red blocked out Louis.

I stumbled away from him, out of the alleyway. I staggered my way into Liam's workplace. I practically lived here. If I wasn't here at I was at Liam's place.

I barely made it to the bathroom and into a stall before the knife was out of my pocket.

"C'mon. Just a little but deeper." The Voice was back. Sometimes I felt like The Voice was all I had. The Voice, Weed, Sex, and Red.

"No matter how deep you go, it won't be as deep as you cut Louis. Louis. The only one who cared for you. Zayn didn't even stick around. That's because Zayn doesn't care about you. Nobody cares about you."

Deeper. I pressed the knife deeper. Just a little deeper. If I go a little deeper, it'll help. It can't hurt anyone. Just me. But I deserve it. I might as well go even deeper. Because I deserve the pain. In fact I love it. I love it so much I go just a little but deeper. A little bit deeper turns into a lot deeper. It's not enough anymore.

I switch wrists, not realizing my vision was flickering until to late.

Black. Red. Black. Red.

***

Beep. Beep. Beep.

White. Black. White. White. White.

Where's the Red?

"Hello there honey. How are you feeling?"

"Red."

"Red?" The nurse questions confused.

"Knife. Red. Wrists. Need." I rasp.

"No." She says sternly. "You almost died. You're lucky you were found when you were."

No. No. No.

"Red!"

"Harry?" I look up.

"Lou." I croak. Another face is added. And another. "Zayn?"

"What am I? Chopped liver?"

"Shuddup Liam." He shrugs before plopping on the hospital bed, throwing an arm behind his head and another across his waist.

I pick at the thin, white, hospital blanket.

"Harry?" Louis asks, meekly. I look up at him through my lashes.

"Hmm?"

"The fuck is that Styles?" Zayn asks bluntly.

"Name is Liam." He winks at Zayn. I hit him and wince at the pain in my wrist.

I hold up both of my wrists for inspection. They're both heavily wrapped in thick, white bandages.

"And how do you know Harry?"

"Fuck buddies." Lou gasps.

"Fuck buddies? It's been a month Harry. A month! Did I really mean nothing to you?"

"I- uhh," Liam slowly got up, "I think I'm gonna go-" He threw his hand up, thumb pointing towards the door, "ya know, somewhere else." He left and Zayn followed after. The nurse had left long ago, leaving just Lou and I.

"You would even answer my phone calls. You changed the lock on the doors. I had no where else to go Louis."

"You could have gone to Zay-"

I laugh. "Where? Zayn's? Zayn told me I was a fuck up. He wouldn't have let me stay with him even if I was dying."

"Harry, you're not a fuck up. You just fucked up."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"What about the girl? What's she doing with the baby?"

"There is no baby."

"What?"

"She lied." The stupid bitch.

"She- She what?"

"She lied. She was pissed I walked out. We didn't even sleep together. I just fell asleep at her apartment."

"You're lying. You would have come and told me sooner. This is low even for you." Lou started pacing.

"Yea, cause you made me coming to you real fuckin' easy, right?"

Lou freezes, shock forming on his face, followed by anger. "The stupid bitch ruined our relationship cause you didn't sleep with her? The hell does she think she is?"

I open my eyes, that I had realized I had closed. Lou was seething. "Princess. It's fine." Lou visibly calmed, coming over and climbing into my lap, ignoring all the tube and wires that were connected to who knows what.

"Its not though. You almost died Harry. I can't lose you." I wrap my arms around him.

"You can't lose me. I'm yours."

And I was. Even when I was fucking Liam, I still belonged to Louis.

****

I'm on a roll tonight, like holy cow!

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