Don't Let Me Go

Conflicted

Eventually I stopped crying. I had to. Crying wasn't going to help anyone. I was afraid to get up because Scott had not stopped sobbing on the floor. I didn't understand what had happened to him but whatever it was it teared him up inside. As quietly as I could I climbed off the bed holding my arms up to cover myself. 

I tiptoed barefoot around him and almost trip when I feel his hand gently wrap around my ankle. I gasped and look down and see his eyes are red from all the crying he's done. My eyes widen in sympathy. After what he'd done I didn't understand why I wasn't mad. I was numb but looking at the hurt in his eyes made me want to forget it had happened.

"Scott... I have to get dressed." I whispered my voice cracking. Although I wasn't mad I was still afraid the other Scott would come back and that I wouldn't be able to bring him back this time.

"Allison... yell at me please." 

"What?" I wasn't expecting him to say that. I knelt on the floor in front of him keeping my arms around myself. I really needed to get a shirt on.

"Yell at me please. Tell me how much you hate me. Tell me how disgusting I am. Tell me you never want to see m-"

"No." I barely whispered it but he looked up into my eyes not quite believing he heard me correctly.

"No?"

"Scott. What happened to you?" Through everything although a big part of me did want to yell at him, he deserved for me to know what caused it. I remembered opening the door and not finding a trace of the brown eyes that could never hide his emotions and I realized that something had come over him.

"If I explain it you'll be disgusted with me.."

I took a deep breath. I didn't know what Scott wasn't telling me. I was afraid. What if he was right? What if he told me and I could never look at him the same way?

"Did you mean to do that to me?" 

"No!" Scott eyes shot up to look at me. I knew he wasn't lying. His tattletale eyes were back.

"Then tell me what happened." I reached for his shaking hands hoping to calm him down.

I see his eyes go down to my chest and dry sob racks his chest when he sees the huge bruise forming on my chest. I hadn't even noticed it. I quickly got up and through a shirt on before kneeling in front of him.

"I-I a-am so s-sorry Alli-"

"Please tell me."

He took a deep breath, "Ever since I killed those men I've felt like there was this monster inside of me. The only way I could describe is like if there was someone in your head trying to take over... He represents all the bad I've done starting with killing those men."

"I still don't understand." I couldn't keep my voice from shaking. He was scaring me.

"He makes me want to do things I shouldn't. I don't know. I can usually control the disgust it makes me feel to hear his thoughts in my head but today.... Today someone called Stile's dad asking if they could help on this case. T-they were looking for answers about the four murders.. H-he said that their families were mourning a-and that they needed to know w-what happened.."

"Scott.." I whispered.

He had never told me how much killing those men affected him. He looked utterly hopeless on the floor and I knew the only way I could help him is to admit something I never ever wanted to admit to Scott.

"There's someone else inside of me too. At least it's what it feels like." I remembered looking in the mirror at the hospital not recognizing the girl in front of me shuddering when she first talked to me.

"W-what?" 

"Yeah Scott... I know how strong it is. I hate her. She makes me feel like I deserved what happened to me that night. She tells me to do awful things and she makes me want to push you away.."

His face is shocked and I know I've left him speechless. 

"I don't think neither of us will ever heal if we keep believing their words.. I sometimes think I did deser-"

"Don't say that." Scott interrupted me.

"Then don't say you're a horrible person for killing those men. It wasn't you. It was him."

"I-I never looked at it that w-way."

I looked down at my hands. How was it that I could fix Scott when I couldn't even fix myself.

"Allison... She's not you either. She's the voices of the four men who did this to you. It's not you."

My breath quickened. It wasn't possible. That simple realization made me more scared of her then before. He was right. I couldn't handle the thought of knowing they were still in my head. I could feel my heart beating fast and my lungs were tightening and I was breathing in gasps now.

"Allison!"

Scott looked at me with wide eyes. He shot up and opened the drawer to my dresser and grabbed my old inhaler. I only kept it for emergencies I hadn't had an asthma attack since I was six but my dad insisted on it.

My hands shook as I tried to use it. As soon as I breathed in the puff from the inhaler my heart rate slowed down.

"I-I... can't believe.. I just had an.. asthma attack." I spoke between breaths my lungs still trying to go back to normal.

"Actually it was a panic attack.. but last time I had one Stile's gave me my inhaler too. Thinking it was an asthma attack ended my panic attack."

I wrapped my arms tightly around him. He had just saved my life again but I think tonight we both saved each other and it had nothing to do with him grabbing my inhaler. We fell asleep on the floor and didn't wake up until midnight. He tried to leave but there was no way I was letting him out of my sight. I knew my dad was going to leave in the early morning so I hoped he just wouldn't check up on me before he left. We stayed on the floor neither of us wanting to go on the bed. I grabbed some blankets from my closet and I stayed next to him resting my head in his chest all night.