Don't Let Me Go

Regret

I don't think I've stopped crying since I got to my room. I hadn't even been able to make it to my bad. I was curled up against the wall only thinking about Scott. I was such an idiot! I couldn't live without Scott. I have pushed him away so many times... What if... What if this time he doesn't forgive me? What if I had really screwed things up this time. Yeah Scott was lying about getting better. I saw the dead look in his eyes everyday and ignored it. It just got me so mad that Scott was so closed off to me. If anything I should be the one person that Scott can talk to.

I heard a light knock on the door. Could it be Scott? Hope flares in me instantly, "C-Come in!"

The door opens slowly as I try and wipe off all my tears with my sleeve. I see a hand holding a guitar and I raise my eyebrow in confusion when I see Scott is the one with the guitar. I knew he played but he never did in front of anyone. I begged for him to sing for me for months but he was always too embarrassed too. 

"Scott I-" 

"Don't say anything. Before you do please listen to me. I screwed up...like massively screwed up. After you left all I could think about was how you were right. I didn't want to tell you about the fact that I haven't gotten much better because Allison you have so much to deal with already... But... I see how that wasn't fair to you. I haven't let myself heal because I wanted the pain it-"

"What?" I asked him confused. How could he want to be reminded of that night every second of the day? I wished I could forget it all.

"Yeah.." He took a deep breath, "Since that night I've blamed myself and I haven't stopped blaming myself even after you told me a million times that I was the last one you would blame. Every time you would say that you wouldn't have been able to survive these past few months.. All I could think about as I agreed with you is that if it wasn't for me you would be happy today. If you had never met me... everything would be different. So I welcomed the pain. Every morning when I would wake up I hoped that you would get mad at me... and you wouldn't. I wanted someone to punish me. I wanted someone to tell me what kind of a monster was I but... my mom, you, Isaac and the nurses... all you guys told me was how much of a hero I was. I didn't feel like a hero."

"Scott I love y-" I whispered. I had no idea what Scott was feeling. I had been so caught up with my own feeling I hadn't stopped to wonder what was causing that empty black in his eyes. 

"I'm not finished... So today when you called me out on lying to you I was mad at first. 'How could Allison blame me for trying to protect her?' but then I realized how excruciating it was when we came home. That first night you spent in my room. You were so quiet. You wouldn't say a word as I took care of you. Your eyes were empty and your hands were shaking but you didn't want to talk about it but that night I did. All I could think was that I had lost the Allison with the adorable dimples. I wanted to talk to make sure I hadn't completely lost you... that you didn't blame me. When you finally started to try and talk to me I couldn't handle it. I was so afraid of you finally saying that I was to blame. After a few minutes when Stiles came in and asked me what the hell had happened I knew that my biggest mistake was blaming myself. I can't change what happened but I can be here for you. I want to be there every night you wake up from a nightmare and hold you in my arms. I can't do that if I'm an a depressed version of myself. I am finally forgiving myself for not being there for you because I need to be here for you today."

"Done?" I asked. I didn't even know how to reply to all of this. Scott was everything I didn't deserve but if he was so willing to love me then how can I say no? I was the luckiest person to have Scott.

"Not quite. When I was thinking of coming here I thought that you wouldn't let me talk so much because you'd be too busy kicking me out so... I wanted to sing something for you to show you how much I love you."