Poems 2011(:

Choices

You’re sitting in the living room as I lay here in bed and let the darkness envelope my body. I don't try and fight it because he sucked all the life out of me. I don't have the strength to fight it anymore. I don't know what I even tried for. I should've expected him to hurt me. I guess I let my heart take over me. He tried to say it was my fault, and for a while that’s exactly what I thought. This is what I let the darkness do because I made a mistake and now I'm through. The darkness helps me get rid of the pain he left. Some people may call it attempted death. As I draw this line across my wrist. I ball my hand into a fist. Something breaks through the darkness, it's a light. It gets brighter and brighter no matter how much I fight. I draw another line. And I make it deeper this time. The light keeps getting brighter and brighter. As the hole in my chest gets wider and wider. I bolt up to try and get away. As soon as I do that, my body starts to sway. I think I fall, caught by the light. You catch me and hold me tight. You pull me closer and I close my eyes. I look at you through watery eyes and I see you cry. "I'm sorry," I say as my senses fade. You hold me tighter and start to scream for help. I now know the horrible choice I made. "Kaylee, stay with me," you say as tears soak your cheeks. I try to hold on to consciousness as I forget how to breathe. "Baby, stay with me," you continue to say. You’re still crying as I reach up and brush your tears away. "I love you," is the last thing I say as I see the red and white lights, and unconsciousness comes no matter how hard I fight. You feel my body go limp and you cry harder. You close your eyes, put your head by mine and pull me tighter. "Everything’s going to be okay," you whisper repeatedly in my ear. You continue to hold me until the ambulance gets here. You refuse to let go as they do their tests. You don't want to let go while they try to do their best. They climb in the back and your head sags. They bring out a gurney and a big bag. You refuse to let go as they run up to me. They wrap my wrist in gauze, put a mask over my face and put me on the gurney. You grab my hand and try to hide your tear soaked face. You continue to cry while you keep up with their pace. Your heart beat is fast and low. So you squeeze my hand and you don't let go. I open my eyes to a bright light. I can't see anyone or anything so I start to scream. You jump up from your seat and rush towards me. You say, "Calm down baby, everything’s going to be okay," and you squeeze my hand. But the pain is unbearable so I try to stand. I can't move, I hear voices all around me. But you’re the only person I see. I try to stand again but I lose that fight. The pain is getting worse so I scream again and you hold me tight. "We're almost there baby," you say to me. I scream again and close my eyes. "Stay with me, baby," you say again as you continue to cry. They rush me back and when we get there. You start to follow but you’re told to sit and wait in the chair. You set there for three hours as you wait for the reply. You have to know if I'm dead or alive. The doctor comes out with a look of shame. He looks around and then calls your name. Fear fills your body with every breath you take. You follow him down the hall as your body starts to shake. After a long talk about my condition, "she's going to survive," is what you hear the doctor say. "Can I see her?" you ask in a worried tone. "Yes," the doctor says and picks up the phone. "Thank you," you whisper since you know I'll be okay. You take a deep breath and get up as you wait for the doctor to lead the way. He takes you up to the ICU. He then leads you down to room twenty-two. "There's a blanket and a pillow in there if you need them." You stare at the door and politely thank him. You close your eyes and slowly open the door. You look at me and nothing more. You quietly close the door and sprint towards my bed. You look at me through watery eyes and gently kiss my forehead. "I love you," you whisper and pull up a chair. Immediately you fall into a deep sleep. I wake up at five to see you in a heap. I smile and brush back my hair. I'm still tired and I don't want to wake you so I just lay there. I must have fallen back asleep again because when I wake up your holding my hand. "Hey," I say and your face lights up. "Hey," you say and get up. "How do you feel?" you ask as you sit on the edge of my bed. "Fine, just tired," I say as you pull me close and kiss my head. "Then get some rest, babe," you say and hold me tight. "I'm fine, babe. I'll sleep tonight." "Why did you do it?" you ask slowly. "I was scared and depressed," I say quietly. "Everything’s going to be okay, babe," you whisper quietly. "I know," I say and whisper, "I love you baby." "I love you too and I'll always be here, no matter what you go through." "Thanks, baby," I say and pull you tight. "You’re welcome," you say and close your eyes, "everything’s going to be alright."

~4/15/11~