Baby's Breath

Chapter 5: pain

The sound of birds pierced my muddled brain. Light washed over my face and my eyes fluttered open. I lay on my bead, watching the curtains wave hello to me. The first thing I remembered was falling into the pool and especially my tremulous cries. I sunk my face into my pillow with a moan. How embarrassing! After playing every excruciating detail of my drowning in my head, I rolled to my back with a sigh. The next thing I remembered was the burning pain of Josh's entrance after telling him to make love to me. I could still feel his warm body along mine, his hungry lips as he kissed trails over me, and how his fingers tangled in my hair. My heart flipped.

The vanity snared my attention when I stood for my first stretch. Would I look any different now that I lost my virginity? Sure it was painful—so painful that I cried involuntary tears, but then again, the ordeal of nearly dying in the pool had drowned out the pain.

My lips throbbed from his remembered kisses, and I glided my knuckles along my jawline, my eyes closing as I imagined his touch. After saving me from the pool, he had carried me into the house, demanding a spot where he could go to dry me off. I had clung to him, sobbing quietly into his chest. After laying me on a bed, he reassured me that everything would be okay and ran into the bathroom.

I backed from my mirror until the backs of my knees grazed the bed, and I dropped back across it. Josh had come came back seconds later, his arm draped with towels. I remembered him swearing as he floundered with my clothes, tears in his eyes. He had apologized profusely, his hands gentle as he dried my chilled skin. A smile brushed my lips and I touched them with my fingertips. I remembered how our eyes connected after he wrapped me, my hair a mass of tangles in his hands as he dabbed it dry.

"Don't cry for me," I had whispered, hating and loving his tears.

"It's my fault, Jess. If I hadn't have left you, none of this would've happened."

"I'm glad it happened," I had said in my ridiculously hoarse voice. My face grew hot as I thought about what happened next, and I crushed my pillow to my face. We both were shocked at what I had done next.. I flexed my hand as I thought of how I could still feel his muscular chest beneath my palm. I had slid it under his wet shirt, and coaxed it off his back. I could still see the burning surprise in Josh's gaze, but he didn't stop me. I had explained to him that he needed to get dried as well. While our clothes hung on the shower curtain rod, I made my move. His kisses had carried me to the moon and back, and our passion had spiraled out of control from there.

I slipped my hand down my tummy and into my pajama bottoms. My pubic hair crusted together and I gasped. I opened my door and peeked into the hallway. When I saw that no one was around, I dashed into the bathroom on quiet feet and kicked my bottoms off. Horror spidered down my spine when I saw what it was. Ew, gross! Dried blood coated my inner thighs to my knees. I never remembered bleeding. Pain, yes, not bleeding. How embarrassing! Did I bleed over Josh? The sheets? I covered my face. Would there be any physical changes? If I walked downstairs, would Mom notice? Jules? Rob? Worse, Dad?

Mom tried the doorknob, not expecting anyone to be inside. "Jessica? Is that you?"

I clenched my jaw and locked the door, my breaths shorter. "Yes," I managed through my teeth, but then relaxed so she wouldn't hear my fear, "I'm—I'm okay. Nightmare." Guilt overrode the pleasure I felt on minutes before and I stared at my face in the glass. Dark circles the color of bruises sat under my eyes, my mouth was a pale slash. I looked horrible!

I didn't like the way my hands shook as I lifted my shirt. What would look different? I opened my eyes, frightened. Nothing. It all looked the same. I held my breath, grabbed a mirror from the medicine cabinet, and wiggled from my bottoms. Once they pooled at my ankles along with my underwear, I lowered the mirror.