Baby's Breath

Chapter 33: unknown

The air was cooler, leaves painted the sidewalks with orange, red, brown and yellow. It was gorgeous. Audra and I started hanging out at school again, our secrets binding us stronger together. I was so glad that she started talking to me again. I was able to share with her my worries, and she with me. It was perfect.

Between-class-toilet visits didn't change, but I noticed my teacher notice me every time I did. Well, how could she not when her classroom was directly across and she stood there greeting everyone as they entered? Yep, she was the one that helped me when I had my nervous breakdown. Ugh.

It was time to use a different restroom. In fact, I schemed a plan to use all four bathrooms throughout the school, though I hated the inconvenience of it.

Babykins didn't float and bounce around as much as he used to. It was amazing to see my tummy do large tsunami-like rolls. I couldn't remember how a normal tummy felt like anymore. I had tons of stuff going on: crazy itches, tightness, baby squirms, stretch marks, the little brown trail, belly button suddenly popping out. Didn't that mean the turkey was done? ha ha

Because my tummy had grown so big, , I couldn't breathe. He got bigger so fast—and it seemed that he did most of his growing the last few days. I only had one month left—how much more did he have to go, and where would he go? There was nowhere else!

Then the menstrual-like cramps started acting up. Sure, I'd have them once in a while throughout, especially when I hit my second trimester, but, man, they started to steepen now.

"How're you holding up?" I asked Audra as we strolled the duck park Friday evening. Little kids toddled with huge breadcrumbs as they tossed them a few inches from their feet to the wary ducks. I giggled.

"I'm okay. I deleted Rick's number from my cell and everywhere else. I even blocked him from Facebook."

"Good." I panted, so wanting to sit. My legs finally gave out and I lowered to my rump right where I was. On the grass and all. "Sorry, I'm getting tired. This is a lot of work."

"Are you still scared?" She crossed her legs and dropped beside me, her hands clawing the grass as she stared at the rippling sunset in the water.

"What do you think?"

"You seem glowie." She laughed, finally meeting my gaze. "You look peacefully happy. I envy you."

My throat constricted and I shook my head. "I've just realized that I love Babykins and I'm not trying to kill him or myself anymore."

The corners of her mouth turned down, grooves on her forehead appeared. "When did you try all that?"

"I can't remember, my memory isn't my own, but I believe it happened the last time we were here."

"Really?" She dropped her eyes and hunched lower. "I was angry that you were after my brother, I felt like an idiot. But I was the idiot. I'm so sorry I made you feel like crap, Jess. Can you please forgive me?"

My heart warmed, but it still felt empty. Fearful of an unknown—albeit bleak—future tended to cloud the here and now. "Of course. I'm grateful that we're on talking terms again, this is so very challenging." I dropped my weight to my hand like a kickstand, and leaned back so as to allow more room for my poor diaphragm to expand.

"I can only imagine. So, you're okay with using my house then?" Audra copied me and leaned back on her arm as well.

"More than okay!" I reached over to her and snuggled her close. Ready tears flooded my eyes. "You have no idea."

"Good. Remember," she said as she moved away, "there are tons of towels by the bathroom downstairs." She clamped her lips together and stared at me. "Gosh, this is going to be a huge undertaking. I really think you should call the baby place, Jess, I'm worried about you."

Fear shot up my spine and I straightened my back with the impulse. "I'll be okay. Don't worry about me." Liar, liar, pants on fire. I really wished she could stay with me. Hold my hand, tell me everything would be okay as I writhed in pain. "What does Josh say about Rick?"

"That he's a prick."

My stomach fluttered with giggles and I busted into a loud laugh.

"What's so funny?" She shared my gusto, her eyes shining.

"Rick the prick."

"Haha, it rhymes."

"I'm good." I wiggled my eyebrows. "I never knew I was good with poetry."

"Yeah." Audra's eyes dulled and I knew she changed gears into another branch of conversation. "Actually, Josh said he knew all along what Rick was doing. He just thought it wasn't his business. He didn't want to get involved."

"Does Josh know about your, uh, you know?" I motioned to her knees, readjusting my sitting position since my tailbone screamed out in pain.

"Naw. He doesn't need to know." She pulled the grass up and tossed it into a passing breeze. We watched it flutter as the streetlamps flickered on.

"But you did, and Josh should have told you when he knew. But you did...what? I'm confused. Doesn't he realize that sex isn't a toy? Gosh, it ticks me off." I grabbed a rock and hurled it into the water. Geese and ducks squawked, all wings fluttering.

"He keeps things to himself. You know that."

"Yes, I do." Like when he broke up with Tara to get with me. When he was scared about being involved with me because I was under aged. Getting back with Tara. "Wow." I blew out a whistle as the list mounted.

"What?"

"He does keep lots of secrets from everyone. That's scary. Why?"

"Well, he started doing that the day Dad died. It was as if a part of him died, too."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Audra."

"Don't be." She shrugged, plucking more grass. "He's not that bad, Jess."

Easy for you to say, he's leaving me low and drowning in my sorrows.

"I can't believe Thanksgiving has come and gone. Crazy." Audra lifted her eyes and stared at the stars as they appeared one at a time.

"And that terrifies me. I only have a month left." Needing to keep my secret secret frightened me. How was I going to pack and sneak away without suspicion? How did other girls do it? They only talked about finding dead babies in dumpsters, but never got into the detail of how the girl gave birth and sneaked them there. I frowned at the horrible thought.

"What if you called anonymously? Find out where you could leave that baby, you know?"

"I'm not sure. I did some reading and something somewhere said I needed to contact an attorney or do some deeper research on some kind of Safe Haven or Baby Moses something or other for details. The legal age for the baby might have to be as young as three days—three days! I can't hide for three days, Audra."

Guilt shivered up my back, piercing me right in the heart. Oh, Babykins. I'm so terribly sorry for talking about abandoning you. But I'm so very scared.

"You can at my house."

I snorted at the impracticality of it, but then chills ran over my skin and I bit my lip. What if they discovered Babykins and tracked me down? How was I going to hide myself? How? I pressed my hand on my kicking stomach and gave him a little hug. I wasn't going to just leave him. Maybe I could tell someone that I heard something in the dumpster and how it scared me?

Though Audra sat right beside me and had shown me what true friends do, I couldn't help but feel desolate and broken inside. When it came right down to it, I was truly alone. Hot tears rushed down, turning everything around me into a big black blob. It was something that I still yet had to solve.