Baby's Breath

Chapter 25: school

Depression was rampant and thoughts of suicide became normal for me. I tried sleeping under a heavy set of blankets until I couldn't stand it anymore. When I'd go on short drives, I often imagined the wreckage I'd cause if I swerved off an overpass, or jumped out of the car at 65 mph. Something I thought of often, which creeped me out the most because I faced it more than three times a day, was: how would it feel like to take a leap off the top landing of the stairs? What would happen? Would I survive? You'd think I'd have learned my lesson when I tried to drown myself in the tub a month ago. Panic had saved me and I chickened out. My future was so bleak.

School was due to start in a week. Every day, I clung to the one before. Why go? What was the point to education? I felt so displaced with pregnancy haunting every step of the way. My memory failed me at every turn. At this point, I felt that there was no way I could continue after graduation. If that.

I did my best to avoid waddling, though it came without thought. It was exhausting, but I had mastered control and my stomach barely bulged if at all. I pushed the grocery cart slowly as I walked through the ice cream section. Someone watched me. I could feel the weight of eyes on my back. My grip whitened, and I hesitated. Should I turn? Curiosity won out and I did.

I locked eyes with Josh. He wasn't alone and it wasn't Audra. Tara? My already-short breaths grew shorter and I whirled back, anxious for escape. My throat tightened and my ears rang. If I could just make it to the checkout, if I could just make it—!

"Jess!" I jumped at his call, my hopes of escape hopelessly foiled. What? What did he want with me? I was old news, it was obvious! "Jess, wait." He was faster. He caught up with me before I could reach the end of the aisle.

I kept my eyes closed, my back to him, my grip tighter on the handle. "What do you want? I thought you were done with me." I opened my eyes with a growl, turning to him. If I knew what he was about to do next, I wouldn't have acknowledged him at all. He lunged forward, his hand pressing firmly against my belly. I gasped, took a step back. A cacophony of emotions whipped through me. Anger. Humiliation. Regret. Loneliness. Violation. "Don't you ever touch me again!" My voice was deep, venomous.

His face flared red, eyes fired with his own rage. "I told you to get rid of it. What are you doing?" He moved closer, his hand closing around my upper arm.

"Let. Me. Go." I glared at him beneath my furrowed eyebrows, my jaw clenched.

Josh's face pinched and he gave me a little shove. "You need to get rid of it now."

"What I do with my baby is none of your business." I took a step back, so wanting to kick him hard where it counted.

"Why, Jess, why?" His lips thinned, jaw locked. He looked like he wanted to hit me, but I stayed my ground and lifted my chin.

"Why, what?" I shook my head, and gave him my disgusted glare. I turned away and continued to push my cart.

"I'm talking to you." He grabbed my arm again, but this time, I elbowed him in the diaphragm. He crashed into the aisle, dish detergents clattered to the floor in a colorful mess. We both stared at the plastic bottles that lay at our feet. "Look, Jess, I'm sorry for acting this way. I'm scared. I am really scared."

When he didn't move, I forced my eyes to his. And I saw myself in them. Fear. Dead, cold, fear. Tears suddenly clouded my vision and I shrugged. "Don't worry, Josh, you will be rid of us both soon enough."

"What? What does that mean?" He lowered to his heels, his eyes on me, and gathered the bottles in his arms.

"Someone's waiting for you, Josh, and you don't want to disappoint her too." I enunciated disappoint, indicating mine in him. But I believed that I was past him. He had broken my heart too many times that all that was left of him was nothing but disappointment.