Baby's Breath

chapter 13: numb

This was it. The ultimate moment of truth and suddenly, I wasn't so sure anymore. I sat there on the toilet, glaring at the stick. But I needed to go and what better time than to do it where no one knew?

"Fine." I ripped the plastic off the stick with my teeth and spat it out. I stuck the test down there and peed on the part where I was supposed to. My fingers felt the stream's light pressure against it and when I was done, I pulled it up. It dripped and I grimaced. "Gross. Why pee anyway? Yuck."

Still on the toilet, I watched with horrific amazement and butterflies in my gut, the pink washing through the dual windows. A minus appeared in the first window. As for the second window; the intensity of the ringing in my head flooded my vision into darkness and I had to lean against the wall and focus on breathing. I closed my eyes and whispered, "Just breathe." Was I pregnant? I cracked an eye open and saw. A plus.

Wait a minute. I sat forward, griping the test stick in my shaking fists. What did that mean? Even though I had reviewed, summarized, memorized, the meaning of each scenario, I still had to review the instructions. The drawings showed so many instances of pregnant versus not pregnant, I was confused.

My heart dropped when I saw the results. Pregnant. No. No. That couldn't be right. I shook the stick, but it didn't change. I read over the material again. Okay, it said to wait three minutes. Three. Taking a breath, I waited two more. I set the stick down, but pacing was out of the question. Sure, there was plenty of room, but my body was too weak to do anything else but sit.

A pounding sounded at the door and I slapped my hand over my mouth. Go away! Go! But my voice refused to cooperate. The pounding insisted, and tears ran down my face. I bit into my hand where my fingers covered my mouth to keep from making a sound. Can't you see I'm in here? I need this more than you! After what felt like a long time, the person swore, and stomped off.

"I'm sorry," I whispered to her, turning back to the stick. But my eyes were blind from too many emotions. I'd heard of selective hearing, but selective seeing? I thought I saw both minuses. Bringing the stick closer, I blinked. This couldn't be right. My hands shook as I ripped open the second stick and ran the test again. It repeated the same results. Pregnant.

"No, no, no, no." I shoved everything in my purse and flushed the toilet. I stared at my face in the mirror as the water needled my hands from the cold, hard pressure. "You are so stupid, you know that? How? How could you let this happen? How!"

I hated the cry lines that attached my nose to my mouth and the ones that curved brown under my blue eyes. I was so ugly. How could Josh have wanted me? My boobs were too small—well, they used to be. My ankles too fat. My butt was flat and my waist wide. There was nothing good about me. And why did this baby want me? Why? "Why!" I shrieked, and grabbed my hair and pulled.

Where was I going to go? Where? I couldn't go back home. I couldn't go to Audra's. Not church. Where did I belong? I needed to cry on someone's shoulders. I wanted what Mom gave me that night we talked about the lost baby.

Another horrific thought wrenched me. What was I going to do when this baby was born? I didn't have money to go to the hospital. I had no insurance. If I did, they'd notify Mom and Dad. Then all hell would break free.

My body trembled so hard, I couldn't stand. My hands were freezing and my face was numb. I sunk to the cold cement and clutched my face. Was it possible for the tests to be faulty? Was it? I peeked through my fingers and stared at my feet. And screamed.