In My Eyes [Vkook]

Diary

Dear Jungkook,

Everything happened too quickly, too fast, too sudden. I wasn't ready for this, this wasn't how it was meant to end. I hadn't planned for this. If only I had known. Why didn't you tell me you felt this way? How could I have been so stupid? If only I had known, it would have been different. You'd still be awake... yeah, you're just asleep, it makes it easier to say that. I know you're gone, but really I can't accept that. My brain is telling me to let go, to just accept the fact that you're... you're...

But I won't, my heart won't allow it. If I say you're d-... then it sounds like it's the end. But it isn't, I won't let it be. We'll meet again, in heaven... the next life, whatever it is, we'll be together again.

I can't picture you there... standing in front of the mirror, letting your reflection put you down, letting it tell you that I don't love you anymore. That's not true. Even though you're asleep, even though you'll never wake up, I'll always love you. Everytime I think of you I still see you smiling that crooked smile of yours. I see you biting your nails and chewing your lips and tapping your fingers on the desk. I see you smiling shyly and trying to hide your cheeks when you would blush at my silly one liners. I don't want to think of you with tears rushing down your face, with a bottle of pills in your hand. I don't want to think of the thoughts you had in your head when you took them. I don't want to think that if I had just finished up a little quicker, then maybe... just maybe you would be lying here in my arms instead of on a cold bed in the hospital.

I don't want to live without you Jungkook, Kookie I don't want go on. I know you thought you were the only one who was needy. That I didn't need you in the same way you needed me. But that isn't true. I'm empty... what can I do? I need you Kookie. I need you. But you're gone and... and I'm alone. I have no one. No one understands my pain! They tell me it'll be okay and that you're in a better place. But what about me? I'm still here... I had plans for us Kookie... we were gonna get married some day. I'd wake up everyday and you'd be laying there next to me, you'd be safe, I'd protect you. When I get home from work you would be there waiting for me with our little Taekwon... it would have been perfect. No bullies to put you down. No parents nagging at us. It would have been me, you and Taekwon... our very own paradise.

But... that won't happen now. It's not me and you... it's just me, by myself, alone, without you. I'm trying to deal with it... I really am. But it's hard Kookie. It really is. It's been 5 days... 5 days! And people are telling me to move on! How can I? How can I do anything with out you? You were my reason to live! My reason to go on! I would wake up every day and smile, knowing I would see you. What do I have now? Nothing... you're gone...

We didn't even have a chance to say good bye. You might not remember, but the last thing you said to me... before you- before you... was 'see you later'... It's almost ironic, I didn't get to tell you how much I loved you or tell you how important you were to me. You told me see you later... a promise that would never be fulfilled.

It's been hard for me... I've tried to join you, I've tried a couple of times. I won't- I can't live with out you. But Jin stopped me... It seems the only good thing that's happened is that your de-... it bought us together. Yeah funny huh? Me, Namjoon, Jin, Yoongi, Hoseok and Jimin, we all sat together at lunch this afternoon. We didn't talk, or even acknowledge each other... we just sat there, no one said anything, but I knew we were all thinking about you. You really wouldn't think it but your de-... it really hit Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok pretty hard. I've never seen them so regretful before.

Two days ago I talked to them, they told me why they bullied you... their families aren't accepting of gays, and they couldn't bare to see you being gay and happy so they bullied you. I've forgiven them, I know that's what you would want me to do... it was hard, but I did it for you Kookie.

I'm not going to move on. I'm not ready to, and I never will be. But I'll change, I'm gonna be good. I'll get good grades, I'll get into a good college and I'll live out all the things we planned together. I'm doing it for us Kookie. For you. I don't want to live without you, but I know you'd hate yourself even more if I died too.

So I'm going to write a diary, we all are. Me, Namjoon, Yoongi, Hoseok, Jimin and Jin, we'll keep you updated on everything that's happening. I'll write in that diary everyday, to show you that I'm gonna be okay... That's a lie, I'll never be okay, it'll always hurt. But I'll carry on... I'll keep going and I'll be strong for both of us.

Just know that I'll love you always. I'll tell you that everyday. It was hard to write this, I tried many many times, but I couldn't face it. I'm doing it now because I need to say good bye... no not good bye, I need to say you later...

This world was cruel to you Kookie and I don't know why... It seems the world is cruel to all of us... but it was cruelest to you... you're perfect, the world corrupted you, but that never made me love you less... Because in my eyes you were perfect, so fragile and precious, in my eyes you were everything. But I guess that doesn't matter, because you never saw yourself through my eyes...

If only you saw your self in my eyes... maybe you'd still be here.

See you later Kookie... I love you

*From Taehyung