Say The Words (Louis Tomlinson Fan Fic)

Chapter 17

*Addie's POV*

Friday, August 23rd, 2013

Throbbing pain. It feels like an orange has nested inside of my cranium and is starting to grow. I would say that my arms and legs feel weak, but that would be a silly understatement. I can hardly move. My wrists and arms sting badly from the cuts I had put in them however long ago.

Wait, how long ago was that? I thought I- no, it must have been a dream. I couldn't have attempted. I made a promise that if I ever attempted, that I would succeed. I don't take anything less than success. I can't stand the thought of failing. I can't fail. I need to be perfect though I have always been far from it.

I hear the dull beep of hospital monitors. Oh my gosh, I know why I'm here. Why else would I be here? I'm not here to find out good news. Hospitals are never good news. Not even in the context of childbirth. Childbirth means that it's another opportunity for someone to hate themselves, to starve themselves, to cut themselves, to fall into depression, etc. It's the opportunity for disaster and I wish I hadn't been cursed with life. Why God? Why did you bring me here? Why did you create me? Couldn't you have seen this? Why didn't you put me in a different life?

Because God has a plan for everyone and I guess that He knows what He is doing.

I somehow trail out of my thoughts and my attention is hazily turned to the click of footsteps, people talking, papers flipping, garbage cans being filled, coughing, sneezing, laughing, crying, and much more.

I open my eyes and wish that I hadn't. It was insanely bright from the lights. My eyes immediately stung. I barely open my eyes and make little blinks until I can open them more and make bigger blinks. Eventually, I am used to the light. When I open my eyes fully, I see Jen sitting right next to me.

"Hey, baby girl," Jen says sweetly. She's a great friend. I can't even explain how grateful I am to see her. I want to jump up and give her the biggest hug ever. "How are you feeling?" She rubs my shoulder.

"I'm alright," I say and yawn. We sit in silence for a minute before I speak up. "He broke up with me. He didn't want me." I say sadly.

"Well fuck him," She laughs.

A minute or two of silence passes. "I'm sorry," I say, referring to my suicide attempt. I just don't want to say it out loud.

"Honey, suicide is never, ever the answer. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Everyone would miss you more than you could ever imagine. People suck at showing how much they care when they need to be showing it most. I know that you are very hurt. I know that you might feel like you're a burden. You may even feel alone, insecure, depressed, worthless, and embarrassed, but you need to stay alive. You have to be strong. Stay alive and be strong so you can be the best you that you can be. Everyone is put on Earth for a purpose and reason. God wouldn't have put you on Earth if He didn't want you here," Jen states.

"Did you go to church on Sunday?" I ask.

"Yeah," she says simply.

"Gotcha," I say with a small laugh on the inside, "what if I don't want to stay alive? What if I can't be strong for myself?" I ask genuinely.

"Well then, bitch, do it for me because I can't function without you." We both laugh. "I seriously love you babe; you're my absolute best friend. Dang, I'm getting choked up. I love you. My modelling friends are great, but no one can replace you, Ads." Jen's eyes get red and a tear trickles its way down her cheek.

"Aw, Jen," I say and give her a hug, "I love you, too, best friend. How do you know what to say?"

"Suicide isn't new to me. But, I'll tell you about it later. Bradley and Mason want to see you too," Jen says.