Fight (MCR)

Chapter 9 "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"

•••Chapter 9 "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)"•••

Knock, knock

"What?" I heard the voice I'd been craving to hear since yesterday. Rude, again.

"Ummm...may I come in?"

There was a long, prolongated silence. I guess he recognised my voice, I ain't sure. After the pause, he spoke again. "No"

"Why?" It's hard for me to let something I want go so easily.

I heard an almost hidden sob. Whoa, was he...crying? "I don't....want you...to see...me like...this." he said in between sobs.

"Gerard" I said his name softly. "You can trust me. I'm here to help. Don't be ashamed. I would never judge you. I understand entirely. Trust me." I formulated simple and short sentences and said them slowly and softly. It usually helps when you want someone to calm down or simply to make them feel everything will be alright. "Please." I added at the end.

I heard another sob I'm sure he tried to hide. I took that as a yes, so I slowly turned the handle of the door and began opening it patiently.

Hell! What I saw next broke my heart.

Gerard was shattered and broken. He sat on the floor weakly with his back against the wall in front of the toilet, ready to vomit if he needed to. He looked sick as well and the tears flowed down his cheeks.

One of his fists was shaking, but not alone. He seemed to be holding a blade I was pretty sure he wasn't able to control. What was he doing?, I asked myself even though I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. Please, tell me it's not what I think it is.

I kneeled beside him. It did stink; a horrible stench of alcohol and vomit at the same time. "Gerard"

He looked up to me with a hopeless look on his face. I can't even describe my feelings. "Jade, I'm such an asshole. I'm ashamed."

"Don't be. You are awesome and whoever says the opposite is obviously blind and deaf. You are worth a lot and nobody can make you feel otherwise, but please Gerard, tell me it's not what it seems." I said pointing to the metal, sharp blade. "Please." I begged.

"Jade. I can't help it. I do things to get away from myself, but when I want to return, it becomes harder and harder to reach myself again. I suck. My life sucks." So, was that a yes?

You know what sucks? When you look at your favourite celebrity; your hero, the person you admire, shattered on the floor looking helpless and not being able to help much. That really sucks.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

From all members of My Chemical Romance, I think and consider Gerard is the one with the worst condition.

Gerard is an alcoholic, he does drugs; Xanax and cocaine, he smokes, he lost his grandma, he does self harm, he hates his life and himself, and to top everything up, he is suicidal. Imagine!

I removed a strand of hair from his face. I'm determined to fix him.

First, I confiscated the blade, the liquor bottles, beer cans, drugs and pills and placed them in an organised way as far as possible from him.

Second, I grabbed a tissue and got carefully rid of all the tears that had fallen on his face and had smeared it and the blood flowing down his arm. He is beautiful, no matter how many tears stain his face or the amount of bleeding caused by himself.

I know this procedure all too well. I had to apply it on myself multiple times. I used to think tears where a sign of weakness. Perhaps tears mean you have been carrying enough. Can it be? Maybe tears represent the weight on your shoulder, you have to let it out once in a while.

Next, I asked him: "Gerard, I need you to take a shower for the show tonight. Would you do that please? Are you done puking or do you want to wait several more minutes just in case?" I knew I was speaking like a kindergarden teacher to a little kid, but it wasn't a good idea to do otherwise right now. Gerard seemed pretty weak and yelling or cursing wouldn't help at all.

"I'm done." He began to stand up and I offered my hand, which he wasn't willing to grab, but after all his effort he realised it was the only way, so that's what he ends up doing. "I appreciate what you are trying to do, but I'm not drunk, I'm just a little stoned. I can do this all by myself." he informed me.

The tears were gone. He was acting strong while he was as weak as an ancient man and he denied he was drunk. Oh no, the rudeness is back. I understood at once; he wanted time alone to recover his divinity, I better leave.

"Alright. Whatever you say. Just get a shower because you STINK!" I stormed out of the bathroom a bit angry and I'm not sure, but I think I hear him sing between sobs behind me in the shower.

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

I know that yelling at Gerard and telling him at the top of my lungs that he stunk, may have worsened things a bit. I'm positive that wasn't the right thing to do, specially because of the condition he was in. Oh well, I'll talk to him later since right now all he needs and wants is time alone.

I walked out of the bedroom to the living room where four worried guys await.

"What happened? Is he alright? What did you do? We heard yelling." the questions began arising.

"Umm... I got in and talked to him a bit. He's alright. I took all his...addictions and cleaned his tears before helping him stand up. Then I asked him to shower and yelled at him that he stinks. I'm sorry I did the last part. It's just that I tried to help, but he began acting like he was alright and pushed my helping offer aside." I looked down when memories of the moment filled my head.

"Well, you'll be pleased to hear that's more than any of us has been able to achieve on him." Frank said with a smile and grateful look on his eyes.

I tried to smile back, I really tried. It's just...I haven't been too good myself these days either. "I'm glad to hear that." I turned to face Mikey. "Mikey? May I talk to you for a second?"

.•*•.•*•.•*•.•*•.

Mikey's POV

I'm concerned and worried about my brother's welfare a lot. I have tried to do all I can to improve things and get his mood high, but I have failed on all of my attempts.

Now, I'm really glad and content Jade has been able to achieve more than I have ever done, which means the possibilities of Gerard getting better are much higher than they were a week ago. But I'll be honest and won't lie to you; this event sickens me and shakes me up. Does this mean that I'm not a good enough brother? Does this mean I haven't tried and given my best? Does this mean he doesn't love me? He loves her more than me? Aren't we close enough?

"Mikey?" Jade snapped me back into reality. A couple of moments ago, she asked me about Gerard's condition in a more detailed way.

"Uh, sorry." I looked at her apologetically. "Gerard began drinking alcohol almost right after our nan died. He did so also because he felt he needed the liquor to be The Gerard Way on stage and to perform just right. Pills and drugs came along too and the situation got heavier." Pause pause pause. "I know you aren't a therapist or anything of that sort, but can you please help us? Help him?"

I had my hopes up. I could bet anything that Jade was gonna be our saviour.

She nodded.