I will never deserve her love again, because i fucked up. I could have at least said i needed space instead of just up and leaving everything we had, i mean we could have a life together and now here i am, alone. Just like mom said back when i got my first girlfriend, Sophie. I lost my virginity to her at 15, because I was just a horny teenager that only wanted one thing and one thing only, sex.
but sex isn't just fucking any random person you meet, you have to have that love in the moment, the loyalty and we frankly didn't have that at all. I know i'm rambling, but hear me out here. I had a weird way of looking at things when i was that age. For example, Sophie was just a girl, and when she found out that was how i thought of her, she left too. Then Margot came along, and she was just like me. She didn't give a fuck about me either, we made a mind connection, not a love one. She stayed for about 2 months and then moved to Iowa. I didn't find another girl for about 4 years. And that was Anna. I met her at 22. and she was 16. That is a 6 year difference, but damn did i love her. But my point is that i need to realize that people come and go, and I just had to go no matter how bad i wanted to stay. I don't want to admit it but I need to move on and find someone closer to my age, or better yet just nobody at all. because face it... If you can't be with that one woman that you felt you loved more than you loved anyone else, than you really don't want to be with anyone. And that's how i feel about all this. I need to let her go because she already found another happiness. And unfortunately I don't have a space in between, But like i said about letting go....
Anna.
Michael is gone.
I miss him already but i don't want to feel desperate. I really really like him but I wonder how Harry is taking this considering he ended it.. I wonder if he cried for days like i did or almost committed suicide, probably not. I heard he fucked some girl the day after he dumped me. Maybe that was part of the reason, maybe I wasn't giving him what he wanted. I tried to satisfy him, but i guess he needed other female attention to soothe his needs and wants. Sorry i couldn't give you what you wanted Harry..
I need to get out of this state of mind and think about something that doesn't have to do with Harry and stop jumping to conclusions with him too, maybe he just wasn't happy anymore.. But I need to get my mind off things. I go home next week, They kept me here for 4 weeks under suicide watch, because apparently that is part of the rules. I don't miss home. not that i even had one anyways.. Maybe i just need some rest and get my mind off everything in general.. It's been a long day.
