Dear Diary..

Chapter 18 - I dont want to hear it

Hi guys, sorry to interrupt the story but whilst reading this chapter, if you could listen to 'Human' by Christina Perri, it would add to the emotion I want in this scene. Thanks xx

Dear diary,
Yesterday I didn't see Will, thank God, but I did tell Victoria where she can shove it. I mean.. I tried to be nice. That's what counts right? Anyway, I guess I'm back to not having much to tell you. I'll write later,
See ya, Roselyn xox

I sit in my English seat quickly because my knees are weak with nerves. Will is in my English class and .. We sit together. I mentally prepare myself for the next hour of pure torture by awkward silence. The wind has blown my wavy hair but luckily it's not messy, it just looks effortless and made my cheeks rosy pink. I feel a sick feeling as I think about seeing that idiot after the way he hurt me...
That's when I hear the door open, see a blur of blonde hair and a black shirt, and smell that same old aftershave; that smell used to make my head spin but now I just feel sick.
I stare at the table, refusing to speak, refusing to make eye contact. My heart is racing and I feel my breathing getting heavy and harder to control.
I don't want to cry, I don't need to cry, he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me cry but it's just an effect anxiety has on me. How am I meant to sit here and try to control that anxiety when the cause of it is right next to me?
Tears forming in my eyes, I blink to fight them back and turn to face the window so I can wipe my damp eyes without him seeing but he knows me. I try to fake a small smile and I daydream but it's so hard. All I feel is heart ache. I so wish I never gave him the chance to but he knows me now and I sense his eyes on me. He can tell.
"Rosey let me-" he begins, how dare he call me that after everything he's done! Anger beginning to boil up inside me, frustration causing my fists to curl up, I finally speak.
"Don't call me that." I spit, using every bit of self-control I can muster up from somewhere deep inside not to yell. I look him straight in the eye and walk straight out the room.
***
"Ok, Roselyn I'm sorry!" I hear him call and feel a strong hand grab my arm. I shake myself free violently and snap, "get off me, Will, and leave me the hell alone because I don't want to hear it!"
This isn't how I wanted things to go. I wanted desperately to play it cool; not let the damage he caused me to show, but I couldn't help it. I can't stand the sight of him.
"Please.. Just look at me" he says, his voice softer before I get the chance to escape. It's something in his voice - the way he said it maybe - it reminds me of the night he told me about his dad. I turn slowly, letting a small tear run down my face hoping he won't notice it.
His eyes are puffy like he's about to cry and I bite my lip, trying not to let his deep blue eyes get to me.
"What is there to say, will.." I whisper, "you lied to me, y-you" I try to speak but it brings back the heart ache I felt when I turned round the corner and saw him getting close and personal with Victoria. More tears build up in my eyes and I continue to fight them, looking down at the floor.
He moves to hold my face in his hands but I take a step back. "I said, don't touch me" I say with a bitter tone.
He ignores me and lifts my chin, forcing me to look at him. I hold my breath as he speaks, his voice slightly wobbly, "I'm sorry you saw that, you weren't meant to a-and it's not what it looked like"
I scoff and pull his hands down from my face, turning away.
"No, please, just listen." And I decide I will listen, just for once,"I was waiting for you, I wanted to ask you something important.. Something special.." He trails off.
"Go on, Will," I assure him to his surprise,"I'm listening aren't I?"

"I was going to ask you to be my girlfriend" my eyes grow wide but I don't react. I can't because he doesn't deserve that, "but she just came around the corner and started talking to me. I didn't react at first but then she asked me about you... I-I wondered how she knew, so I let her keep talking."
Oh, my God. That does make sense.. Have I been stupid this whole time? Again?
He carries on, "she was getting closer but I didn't realise how close because I was too swept up in talking about you... Rosey" he pauses, causing me to smile, "Roselyn, you're special, I didn't lie to you when I said that. I really, really like you and I never wanted to hurt you. But then you were gone and I just didn't know what to d-" This time it's my turn to cut him off, he is rambling on a bit. I throw my arms around him and at first he's a bit shocked but then he just pulls me closer. "I'm sorry I thought the worst of you, Will. It looked bad but I should've trusted you."
"No I'm sorry, please never cry over a stupid guy like me..." He mumbles into my hair.
And everything feels ok again, which makes me realise I wasn't ok yesterday, or the day before when I thought I could cope without him because I can't.
He's my everything.