Cheradine- Lost and found

Chapter 19

She’s standing by the window, looking out over the garden, watching Cheryl chat with Rachael as they keep an eye on the kids now frolicking in the pool.

It’s not that Nadine’s hiding; it’s just that she needs a few minutes alone to collect her thoughts. After she’d told everyone, the magnitude of what she’d done hit her like a proverbial freight train. With everyone staring it at her, Nadine felt like she suddenly couldn’t breathe.

That’s why she’s up here - not hiding, of course - in the bedroom that her mum keeps pristine for whenever she visits. (Never mind that she feels like a complete shite, abandoning Cheryl like that, and she's sure there will be words about it later.)

The room’s a bit of a shrine to her success with the band – gold and platinum discs and a few framed publicity photographs on the walls. It’s nothing like the sleek, minimalist decor of her own place and she’s kind of grateful for that because there’s something immensely comforting about the homely touches here: the floral-patterned curtains and bedspread, the stuffed teddy bear she’s had since she was a small child nestling on the pillows.

A gentle knock on the door brings her out of her thoughts and she looks over her shoulder to see her mum hovering in the doorway. “Are you okay, love?”

Nadine puts on a smile but it doesn’t fool either of them.

Her mum takes that as a cue to enter, crossing the room to perch on the end of the bed. With a sigh Nadine turns away from the window and goes over to join her.

“Do you think they’ll be alright, mum?” Nadine asks, worrying at her bottom lip. While she’s relieved that Rachael’s taken the news so well, it’s her dad and Charmaine she’s concerned about.

“They’re just shocked, sweetheart,” her mum says, putting an arm around her.

Nadine shakes her head miserably. “They wouldn’t even look me in the eye.”

“They’ll come around, you’ll see. Charmaine’s nose is probably out of joint because you didn’t confide in her first.”

“Maybe,” Nadine says, sounding unconvinced. She closes her eyes briefly, unable to put the look on her father’s face out of her mind. It wasn’t disappointment or disgust, he just seemed floored. 

“Don’t be too hard on your dad. We both thought that one day you’d be havin’ a big white weddin’, that you’d be startin’ a family of your own. He’s just realisin’ that he won’t have the chance to give his little girl away and that’s difficult for a father to accept.”

Nadine pulls away, frowning. “I can still do all that, you know. I haven’t joined a bloody convent.”

“I know but –“

“Mum, don’t you dare say it’s not the same.” Nadine really hasn't thought that far ahead - marriage, kids – but all the same, she feels the need to defend herself. “Just because I’m in a relationship with a woman doesn’t mean I don’t want the same things as before. Okay, so a traditional Catholic weddin’s out of the question but I’m not sure I ever wanted that anyway!”

Her mum purses her lips. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean... I’m still tryin’ to get my ahead around this,” she sighs. Her mum’s always been the strong one in the family, the one unwavering source of solid support Nadine can rely on in her life, and to see her like this is so disconcerting. “All we want is for you to be happy. I just wish things were easier for you.”

Nadine sort of understands that her mum only wants to protect her from some perceived future heartache or negative judgement from the press and public but, at the same time, if she spends her life being scared of being hurt or obsessing about what people might think of her, then she may as well just forgo a love life altogether. “Well, we can’t choose who we fall in love with, can we?”