(Author Notes:I changed mom to Niall so it fits the poem original is explaining my depression to my mother by Sabrina Benaim very powerful!)
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You stood on the stage while your boyfriend of 3 years sat in the front with the rest of his friends. Niall never understood your depression and how serious it was. You were currently on your tour for poetry and it has been going great. Niall always tried reasoning with what it felt like to have depression he always found ways to make exceptions to it but wasn't that easy. You stood at the stage as people started clapping and screaming your name. You looked directly at him starting of your poem...
Explaining my depression to my boyfriend
A conversation
Niall, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it's the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days "the Dark Days"
Niall says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Niall, I'm not afraid of the dark, perhaps that's part of the problem
Niall says I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed
I can't, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Niall says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Niall, I am the party, only I'm a party I don't want to be at
Niall says why don't you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don't want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun Niall
You see Niall each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Niall says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Niall says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Niall says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Niall I am afraid of living
Niall I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I've been super busy lately I mean I've been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here
I will never truly know where I have been
Niall still doesn't understand
Niall, can't you see
That neither can I
When you finished the powerful poem people stood up clapping some people having tears in theirs one of them being Niall. He mouthed I'm sorry and you just shook your head as you continued with your poetry that meant a lot to you. Some were sad others happy some meaning less some meaningful either way it was a great night well at least some people. 4/5 of the members were enjoying it. Niall left after the first poem that you spoke I guess her couldn't handle the truth that the poem held. When it was over you waved good bye making everyone scream for a encore. When you went backstage you were surprised what awaited you it was Niall with a bear,some roses,and a box of chocolates.
"I'm sorry for me misunderstanding you!" He says crying on your shoulder you push him off anger bubbling in your gut.
"I'know it can be difficult with me having it but it's hard having to live with it every single day of your fucking life! Ever panic attack feels like I'm drowning.Every sleepless night makes me feel empty.The dark hole is so hard to crawl out of...I scream for help but it's usually covered up by black that crawl from underneath the surface.My chest seems to cave in every time I'm flustered and there's many other things too.I'm hurting so bad but it seems you don't care about how I feel. I explain but it seems it doesn't go through to you. You don't seems to understand that I'm drowning in my own mind or that my hints I drop of a quick hug seems to turn into a lecture on the alternatives that won't work. I laugh but it's painful. Is my depression not important to you if it isn't you can get to stepping." You say opening your arms pointing to the door.
"No! I'm not leaving you okay I fucked up once I'm not fucking this chance up with you. I never knew depression took over your life like this! I'm a horrible person just please forgive so I can make it up to you! I-I'm so so so so so fucking sorry!" He says now on his knees. You bend down taking his face in your hands.
"I forgive you"
"Thank you." He kisses you making love to you to show he was truly sorry.
