In Touch - L.T 1D

Chapter Fifty Four

Chapter Fifty Four

I feel Stacey's words cut through me like a knife. Like a hot knife through butter. That's the only way to describe it. I was already hurt enough, seeing Louis with her and trying not to think about ending my own life but when she said those few words, it hurt a lot more than I thought it would.

A hell of a lot more.

Obviously Stacey isn't the type of girl that takes suicide seriously. I'm guessing that she walks around telling people to jump out of windows on a daily basis. It's just a hunch that I have but if it's not true, I would be vary surprised.

I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I try my hardest to hold them back. I will not be weak anymore. I'm sick of being weak. I'm sick of crying over every little thing. I do not need these boys to sit around and put my broken pieces back together. I can do it myself. I am quite capable of fixing myself.

I'll admit, sometimes I do need help. Sometimes I feel so broken that I can't even help myself. But I am done with that. I'm done with being the weak little girl with the lost memories. I may not have spoken up to my bullies in high school but I am sick and tired of being treated like this.

I need to stand up for myself.

I need to find that voice that has hidden itself for so long. I need to find that voice and use it. I need to bring it up from the depths and use to stick up for myself. To stop the verbal abuse coming out of Stacey's mouth. To stop her from making me feel like this.

I know that her words should have that much of an effect on me but when you go through you high school years being told that you're worthless, that you're nothing, that no one would care if you died or left, you start to believe them. You start to take what they say to heart. 

It's honestly the worst feeling. 

That moment when you realise that you are so broken that you can't even stand up for yourself anymore. That moment when you realise that the demons have caught up to you and swallowed all your hope, all your faith. That moment when you realise that even though you tell yourself they don't mean it but you still take it to heart.

That is the worst moment in any person's life.

Not when someone they love dies. Not when someone they love leaves. Not when they find out that their favourite band is breaking up. Not when they break a bone and find out that they can't do what they love anymore. 

Finding out that you're weak enough to let their words hurt you is far worse. Far far worse.

People may not realise that. People that have never experienced that feeling don't realise that but once you do live through it, once that pain becomes a part of you, that' when you realise that there is nothing worse then the feeling of being far to broken to be put back together.

I still remember that first day, when I realised that.That day that I came to terms with it was honestly the worst day of my life. It wasn't anywhere near as bad as when I thought I lost my dad. It was ten million times worse only because there was nothing I could do about it.

Once you reach that point, I don't think there is any turning back. I don't think there is a way to be saved from the murky waters that are pulling you under. I don't think there is a way that your little pieces can be recovered and put back together.

I feel someone squeeze my hand and when I look over I see Liam standing there, his eyes sad as he waits for my reaction. Well what a shock he is going to get when I finally use the voice that I had been given. The voice I should have used hundreds of times back when kids were telling me to get a life and stop looking for attention. 

The voice I should have used when my mother first started to abuse me.

"Stacey, I would really prefer if you left," I say as calmly as I can.

"Excuse me? Don't talk to me like that!"

"I will talk to you however I want Stacey. The moment you lost all my respect was the moment you told me to jump out that window. I will not tolerate that and I would like it if you left."

"You can't make me leave and you can't stop me from telling you to jump out a window!" she yells as she takes a step closer to me.

"Stacey, how would you feel if I told you to go and jump out a window?"

She laughs unnaturally as she starts staring at her nails, "I would tell you that you are being ridiculous. I shouldn't be the one jumping, it should be you."

I take a deep breath as I try to control all the emotions that are running through me at once. As much as I want to kick and scream and cry, I know that I can't do that. I can't do that if I want to be strong. I can't do that if I want to start putting the larger pieces of me back together.

As much as my heart and body calls out slap her, as much as it calls out to walk over there and knock that orange makeup off her smug face, I know that will not help me either. I know that even if I did, I wouldn't be helping myself. I would just be turning into my mother and I would rather not do that.

I will do everything in my power to not turn into my mother.

I look Stacey straight in the eye, finding all the courage I can find, "Leave Stacey. You don't talk to me like that. You don't talk to anyone like that. And if you don't leave, I will do what I have always wanted to do."

"Oh and what's that?"

"I will find help."

GO MIMI! GO GIRL! YOU ROCK! 

This side of Mimi is just so new to me. I loved writing it, honestly. I just loved writing a chapter where she was strong and confident and believed in herself.

What are your feelings on Mimi being like this? You liking this new side to her?

You know how I said that I was getting ahead in my writing last chapter? Well that didn't last long. So last night, I only had like eight chapters of my book left so I decided that I would sit down and finish it because I was so pumped to finish it and start the next on in the series.

I finished it just before I went to bed so I didn't get to write today's update. But that's okay because I feel like if I wrote it yesterday, Mimi wouldn't have had the 'be confident and strong' vibe coming from her, if you know what I mean.

QOTC: Which is your favourite Hunger Games book, for those that have read it?

Mine is probably the second one. I'm not sure why but it's just the fact that the last one, it isn't boring as such it's just got a lot of 'Ima kill president snow' and technical stuff like tha, if you catch my drift.

ILYSM!

SWAG ON!

~ TJ xoxoxoxo