Fat Chance

The One Purpose

I rolled over onto my side and pulled my blanket all the up to my chin. Talking to him always made me feel special, in a way. It always made me feel comfortable, just like my blanket made me feel. Call me a child, but I'm literally in love with my blanket. In the unlikely event I leave my house for more than one night, I have to bring my blanket along with me. I've never been sure why I'm so attached to this goddamn blanket, but all I know is that it's as tall as me, fuzzy and covers my  body perfectly and wonderfully, and that's all I care about. 

Wyatt had been off and online at random times throughout the week, and I took comfort in his presence whenever he could offer it. Even though Ms. Mortiello wasn't Alecia's teacher, I still decided I would tell Wyatt about her and what had happened. Why not give Alecia a tiny part of my actual life to share?

He was very helpful and empathetic with me, comforting me and telling me about a teacher of his from a while back that reminded him of how I described Ms. M. It was almost like he knew just what to say to me to make me calm; for a moment, I was convinced he saw through the Alecia front and saw me as Quinn. 

And then I realized 

That was fucking impossible. Nobodies a mind reader, and even the people who are very good guessers wouldn't be able to guess who I really was. 

Me and Wyatt talked all afternoon after school that day until 5 that next morning. The only reason why the conversation ended was because he fell asleep while texting me, of course. Since it was a Saturday, I decided to lay back down and try to fall asleep, but I finally gave up after an hour of restlessness.

Many thoughts crowded my brain, and Ms. M was only the beginning. I thought about Wyatt, I thought about Alecia, I thought about my hair, I thought about my family; I basically I thought about my own existence. I always think about what my specific purpose here on earth is. 

Try to dissuade me, but I believe that every single human being, even the ones who rape and murder, are here for a reason. Whether their role is big or small, it matters and it's important. Sometimes the reason why someone is here is just as simple as being someones friend and helping them to blossom into an important person. Just think about it: If Albert Einstein or Obama or even fucking RIHANNA didn't have that one friend or family member in their lives, they probably wouldn't have had the courage or whatever to be extraordinary. And then the world wouldn't have ever seen Rihanna's sexy ass.

It may sound depressing to think about your purpose here on earth could be as small as smiling at somebody or saying one kind word to them, but it's the honest truth. I'm not saying that you can't have a fulfilling and successful live even only having one small real purpose as a human, because you absolutely can. Who the fuck is anyone to say you can't? All I'm saying is that you have ONE important purpose here, ONE huge thing that will change the whole world one day. And that's no exaggeration nor joke. 

But back to me. I always think about whether or not I've already served my purpose. A common thought of mine is that Alex being born was my purpose. My being a failure drove my parents to have Alex, so theoretically, without me, Alex would have never been born, which would be a problem if he ended up having to be someone super important someday. And I have a gut feeling that he will be. 

A child like him just can't be a normal child. Everyone who meets the damn boy is obsessed with him immediately, which would make sense if he was still a newborn, because who doesn't go batshit crazy about newborns? But now that Alex is nearly two years old, it's getting super weird that everyone still loves him just as much as they did when he was a newborn. 

And I don't mean that it's family that still loves him as he gets bigger, because obviously that's an exception. I mean that strangers still call him adorable and "cute as a bugs ear" when they pass him on the sidewalk or in a grocery store. Maybe it's just me being weird, but I think all I'm here for is to make sure I absorb all my parents bullshit so that it doesn't sink into Alex and disable him to be greatness. 

Around 7 am, I found myself falling asleep, even though I didn't want to. I was always terrified of going to sleep, for one reason and one reason only: 

The Nightmares

They come up out of nowhere, from the deep pits of my subconscious, to attack me. They come to tear my psyche up into little pieces until all that's left of me is my sins. My dirty sins. My horrors. My fears. Everything bad that has ever been involved with me or my life will be in my nightmares. And they won't stop or go away. I've talked about it till i'm blue in the face, but that doesn't do shit. It's still there. The fact that I've wasted over a year of Wyatt's life on a FUCKING LIE. I've wasted so many peoples time on a lie. I've ruined my parents life. I have no friends, unless you count Stella, who would never be seen with me outside of school. And then there's the darker things that I don't want to talk about. That I never want to think about ever again. But in my dreams....I'm forced to. 

So that's what I was thinking about that Saturday morning as I was falling asleep. I was thinking about being ripped to shreds by own mind. I was thinking about my biggest enemy. The one who was out to destroy me once and for all.

And that person 

Is Me.