Fat Chance

The Big L Word

I couldn't breathe. It felt like the wind was being knocked out of me. 

I saw spots in my vision. 

"Get a grip on yourself," I yelled at my brain. I had to breathe. I had to think. 

Once I was taking deep, steady breaths and didn't feel lightheaded anymore, I decided to open the chat and read the full message. 

"We've been talking for some time now, and I must confess..I love you Alecia. You're beautiful, smart, kind, sexy, caring and fun to talk too, which is everything I've ever wanted in a girl. If you'd allow me, I'd like to make you the happiest girl in the world. Be mine?"

I got a tight feeling in my throat and a churning feeling in my stomach. 'How can this get any worse?' I thought.

And then I scrolled down. 

"I understand if you don't want me to, but I would like to fly out to California this spring break to see you. I got a job recently at Best Buy and I am already a quarter of the way to being able to afford the roundtrip ticket out there. All I need is a bit more money for food and hotel and the rest of the plane ticket and I'll be good to go. That is, of course, if you'd let me come see you. If not, I totally understand. But please think about it. I love you, Alecia. I want to be with you."

I sat there, stunned, for about twenty minutes. For once, I didn't care if he saw I read his message yet didn't reply. All I cared about was the fact that HE FUCKING SAID HE IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

Except not me.

Alecia.

So basically, he's in love with a fictional character. Everything he says he loves about Alecia does not exist inside of me. Quinn isn't beautiful. Quinn isn't smart. Nor is she kind, sexy, caring or fun to talk to. That's all Alecia. 

And even though Alecia is someone I created, someone that lives inside and through ME, I won't ever be or be like her. It just doesn't work like that. 

For example, I can't be sexy. It's not just the fact that I'm severely overweight and not at all attractive, but its because I have very little sexual experience. Plus, being sexy isn't something you learn, it's something that you naturally ARE. And trust me, I am not it.

Alecia, however, totally IS sexy. How does that work? Simple. We are different people. We look different, talk to different people, and have different attitudes. How does THAT work? No clue. But let me tell you, even if I looked exactly like Alecia on the outside, no one would ever believe I was truly her. Why? Because I don't ooze sex and confidence. That's why.

Because no matter what I look like, I'm still a loser.

I'm still Quinn.

And no matter how I decide to deal with this or what I decide to say,

I'm still fucked.