Fat Chance

You can run, but you can't hide

The next few weeks, I avoided going on Alecia's kik. I avoided going on my iPod at all, actually. I just went to school and back everyday, immediately going down stairs to wallow in self pity when I got home.

During this time period, I felt super depressed and alone. I felt bare. 

I felt exposed.

Because I didn't have Alecia there to protect me anymore. 

No matter how much I knew that she wasn't a real person, therefore she couldn't have died, I still felt this cloud of death hanging over me, like a loved one had just passed away and the funeral was everyday.

I also couldn't bring myself to delete Alecia's kik off my iPod. Because once that happened, it would truly be over. She could truly be gone. And even though thats what I wanted to happen, what NEEDED to happen, I still didn't do it. 

So Alecia's kik remains on my iPod. I still get many notifications from her account, which I have muted in the apps settings, but I never have had to check them so far. The only thing I had been brave enough to do was delete Alecia's FaceBook, but even that wasn't a very noble thing to do. It just left people confused and alone, without answers.

I couldn't imagine having talked to someone daily for months (maybe even years) just to wake up one morning and find their profile gone. I would be devastated. I would be convinced they blocked me.

And that's what I was doing to around 5 guys that Alecia had talked to daily. The longest was for nearly a year and the shortest was for around 3 months. 

I avoided thinking about Alecia or anyone Alecia had ever talked to. Three days ago, Ms. Mortiello came back to class, so that helped me a lot. 

It turns out her brother had been in a coma ever since the accident had taken place, and they had, just a week ago, taken him off life support and let him die. Ms. M tried to put on a happy face for us students, but I could see it in her face. She had dark circles around her eyes and her face was very pale. We could all tell she hadn't gotten very much, if any, sleep.

With the reappearance of Ms. M, I finally got to work on my 'visual representation of love' sculpture. It was surprising how much the feeling of wet clay between my fingers and the satisfaction of actually ACCOMPLISHING something could make me feel like a completely different person.

My sculpture was already nearly half way done, and since many of the other students are either at the same point as I am or a bit behind, Ms. Mortiello decided to to extend the due date on this project, which we were all thankful for. 

Life slowly went back to normal for me. I hung at with Stella everyday at school, although not again at her house unfortunately, and went to my classes. I aced a few tests and I failed a few tests. Mr. Reed was still as crazy as ever. Ms. M, although sad, was still very amazing and kind.

My parents still basically treated me like a foreign alien that just happened to be living in their basement. 

Alex didn't talk to me or even really look at me, but its not like he really ever had the chance to.

Everything was pretty much normal.

Until the first weekend in February.