Fat Chance

Sweaty and Scared

I hella slept in that day, since I wasn't supposed to meet Wyatt until the next day. I seriously think I slept in until around 3 pm, that's how drained I was. 

But even though I slept in late, I still had pretty much a whole day and night to spend doing whatever I wanted. I was in FUCKING CALIFORNIA for petes sake, I probably should do something other then ruin someones trust and faith in humanity. 

So I got dressed, brushed my hair/teeth, and even put on a bit of makeup I'd bought back in Ohio for when I met up with Wyatt (I figured I'd better do a little something to soften the blow.)

I walked downstairs to the restaurant part of the hotel and thought I'd get some lunch to start off with. 

The hotel restaurant, let me fucking tell you, was even more boujee then the hotel itself, even though I didn't think it to be possible. There were at least 10 full sized crystal chandeliers throughout the whole place, and the entire staff was dressed in nice ass outfits. Like, it seriously looked like they were going to the motherfucking club instead of going to work. 

I had to look at the menu for what seemed like hours because I had never even heard of, let alone tried, anything on the menu. So I went with a steak since it was the most basic thing on the menu, even if it was one of the most expensive. 

When my food arrived, I could have sworn they thought I was the president or some shit, the presentation was so good. My food looked like it could have been a fucking model, posed for a Vogue magazine shoot. 

Even though it was a very small portion and it was rich af, it was over all pretty good. I paid the bill, much to the waitresses surprise, and left. 

Walking down a sidewalk in downtown San Francisco has the ability to make someone like me feel very small and vulnerable, even though I had a built in weapon. If anyone tried to hurt me, all I would have to do is sit on them and they would fucking die of oxygen loss instantly. 

In all seriousness, I felt super out of place. Since it was Spring Break, the sidewalks and streets were flooded with tourists. Everyone was wearing shorts and tank tops, or t shirts at the very least. 

But me, I was wearing baggy sweatpants and a matching baggy sweatshirt, the least weather suitable outfit in the entire world. 

I could see everyone looking at me, thinking to themselves "Oh my god, look at that loser over there with the fucking sweatshirt on. I mean, I guess we should be thankful that she's wearing it, I sure don't want to see those flabtastic arms!"

My face flushed red with embarrassment and as I ducked my head. I had earbuds in, otherwise I probably would be able to hear everyone laughing at me.

After wandering around town for 45 minutes, I decided to Uber to the nearest movie theater and watch a movie. I know it's a super lame thing to decide on, but I couldn't think of anything else to do.

 Besides, I was willing to do anything to get out of this heat and sit down. I was drenched in sweat from a combination of my outfit choice and my lack of exercise on a normal basis. 

Once I arrived at the theater, I wandered out front for around 20 minutes, looking at the movie posters posted outside. 

After around ten minutes, I went inside and ended up seeing some stupid Rom Com i'd seen advertised a few times before. I didn't even pay attention to the movie, if I'm being honest, all I did was stuff my face with popcorn and bask in the glory of the air conditioned room. 

When the movie was over, I decided to give up on trying to have a fun day and Ubered back to my hotel. 

I spent the rest of my day having major anxiety about the next day, when I'd have to go and meet Wyatt. 

The worst part about this whole ordeal was going to be having the look at the expression on his face when it all finally registered within himself that the girl he had been talking to for so long was nothing but an overweight, retarded child. 

I know that the worst part of this should be realizing how much I actually hurt him or something else non selfish, but I'm being honest here: Most of my fears  and most of my regrets stem from the fact that I'M hurting, not the fact that HE'S hurting, which is just another shitty thing about me. 

It's kind of like when someone only apologizes because they're sorry they got caught, not because they are truly sorry that their actions affected someone else in a detrimental way. 

But it's 1,000 times worse for me because I've spent so long convincing him he was talking to someone he wasn't.  I toyed with his trust, and now he probably won't ever be able to talk to anyone on the internet ever again without thinking of this situation. 

And the worst thing is, it's entirely my fault. I have no one else to shift the blame on but myself. Because Wyatt has been nothing but sweet and kind to me, he did nothing to deserve this. I got myself in too deep, to the point where no matter which course of action I take, it will still involve an innocent person getting hurt. 

I sighed and wrapped a warm, fuzzy blanket around me. I looked out the window at the city beneath me and wondered about the lives of all the people who were down there. Whether or not they were happy and fulfilled with themselves and the people/things around them. Whether or not they valued their lives. 

Sometimes I wondered if anyone would have done what I did (started cat fishing) given the situations I've been in, or if it was something that was just a result of me being a shitty person.

All I know is that, what I have done is wrong, and tomorrow I will have to face only one of HUNDREDS, more than likely THOUSANDS who have been victims of my deceit. And I will soon have to deal with the consequences that come with that, from somewhere other then over an iPod screen.