smoke I gracy I ✔️

13

I have somehow cheated death.

I was rushed into the ER. Why? I had tried to commit suicide. Cue the word tried. My mother found me on the floor. Cold and feeble. Trembling. Beneath me was a blood puddle and a knife. I stabbed myself in the stomach. I was sure I was going to die. I tried to perform suicide because of a certain someone. Zach and Bee. I gave my trust to them. On Zach, Bee. But no. They had to leave me for the 'popular' group. Tell them my secrets. This was heart-rending. I felt forlorn. Hopeless, lifeless. I felt like I wasn't worth. No one liked me. I was an outcast who was just a burden to her 'companions'. One day Bee came up to me at math class. It was so humiliating. The words are still glued onto my head. Clear like glass. Inseparable.

"I and Zach are dating now," Bee had said in an uppity tone. I can tell she doesn't love him. The way I do. She's too haughty. Zach is being used. But I didn't fret about that. I was too inconsolable. It hurts so bad Zach! It pains me to see you with another girl. "Just to let you know." She quickly added and lingered back towards her seat. All eyes were fixed towards me.

I don't know why, but her voice pierced me. It hurts. Still does. The words are menacing.

I don't know how long I'd have to keep up with this torture before I give in. I'm already striving and frazzled. My body is full of bruises and cuts. Both from Erica and Bee. The cuts? You know. We used to hang out together in the summer. Zach and I. Eating our lives out. The guff about how Erica a demon that has psychopath traits. But at the last week of summer break, Bee and Zach got together on a date. When they officially said that they were dating, I was heart-broken. Worst of all, he cancelled our plans for the Panic!At The Disco concert. So I had to go alone. It was fun, but it could've been more enjoyable if Zach came along. When school came around the corner, Bee told me that I couldn't hang out with her. So I went to Zach. I was surprised that he was sitting with Erica. I went up to him. He looked at me with objection and jostled me out. To that day, I never went near them. The bullying got worse. People started searching me up. Find the little flaws hidden in me. The cruelty went a step further. Everyone was commenting on my Instagram page about how ugly and fat I was. That I slept with older men every night. I had to delete my account because of that. Someone even made a hate page for me. Just for ME. Then there was another new social trend. It was something called 'MyPage'. I signed up for it. Clueless at what consequences I'd have to face. I was stupid enough to put my name in my bio. Even set my profile picture as me. Stupid STUPID!! Within less than a week, everyone started grating me again.

My grades have dropped with my family relationship. I was so stressed about my life that I didn't bother to do homework or study. Anne and Liam were fighting. Which is very uncommon for them. Anne claimed that Liam was doing drugs. It was evident. His eyes were bloodshot and his gray hair was starting to fall out. We were losing money. I had also suspected that Liam had spent it all on weed and cocaine. Later that evening, Anne kicked him out of the household. He was gone. Anne told me to forget about him. That he wasn't part of my life anymore. But I couldn't. How could I forget someone who was there for me? His calm soothing voice always relaxed me. Put me in my reposed state. But it was just me and Anne. I have no friends. Anne always asked me why Bee and Zach never came. I lied. I lied to my own mother. I never did anything but the tell the truth. I didn't want to tell her that I had no friends now. That my friends betrayed me. That I was bullied. That I cut. And that I loved someone, but he was taken by my loose grasp. Every day I would sit on my bed and think about my decisions. I even thought about suicide. I was going to overdose myself with pills, but I then chickened out. Anne started to smoke cigars this week. Monday to be exact. The air now always smelled like smoke and like something had burnt. Every night she would sit on the step and take a long drag. I had been worried about her and her health. Would she leave me like everyone else did? The old Anne had left me and was replaced with a brand new one. She didn't hug me or hold me close anymore. She just gave me the same attitude. She would then leave and I would stifle a sob. Like the new rebel Anne says ' crying is for crybabies. They don't deserve your tears.' But I can't conceal. I pray for her every day. But it's like everyone loathes me. Even god. It's still the same old concept.

I posted a video on MyPage. I knew that everyone was going to see it. Including Anne. I remember everything. My speech.

"I know you guys hate me and want me gone. No one knows who I really am. That I hurt. Let me tell you a story. There was this one guy. His name was..."

I turned tentative. "I won't say his name. But I really liked him. I thought that my feelings would be over in a few weeks. I was wrong. I started to like him more and more. Then one day," I choke on my own words. My sentences are all tangled up into a knot in my throat. "My friend. She told me that she liked him. I hesitated. I thought 'should I tell her?'. I objected. Later, they started dating. I was defeated. The bullying got worse. I had to bottle my feelings inside of me and I promised myself I wouldn't let go. I sat at the same table every day all alone." You stopped and sadly smiled.

"You hate me right?" I held up a knife that was lying next to me. "You want me to die....right?" I chuckled. "Don't worry, you tell me that all the time Bee. Well, I'm starting to believe you."

After that, I posted the video on MyPage. I don't know who had watched it because I went straight to the bathroom.

I drove the knife into my stomach. I was numb. It didn't sting. I was still wide awake somehow when Anne rushed into the bathroom. That's all I remember.

There is a bright light at the end of the road I'm walking through. I pick up my pace and sprint towards the hole that emits this mysterious light. It starts to turn warm and for once, I feel hopeful. The light gets brighter and I hear something. It's a beep. Like the ones you hear in the hospital. It gets louder once I'm closer towards the illumination.

Just as I felt hope and happiness, it sinks. Like I'm drowning. But instead of water, I'm drowning in smoke.