But Loved

15. Elissa Taylor

>It's been so long. Let me catch you up.
I was in a play.
I met _smilelikeniall and got my book signed by her (it was awesome! I was the first one there and she recognized me) (picture above)
I found two dollars in my pocket
And I'm going to Spain so I'm trying to finish this before then<

"Shhh Am it's alright," Bryana tries to tell me.

I shake my head crying harder into my knee. It's been months. We tried so hard. We had key evidence that he hasn't changed. Why is this happening? The government sucks with their stupid dumb questions. When ever in the world would blaming the victim ever be right? They never blame cancer patients after they smoke for half their life. Why blame rape victims? It's doesn't seem right.

"He fucking bought out of it," I exclaim and Bryana pets my back awkwardly. "How can they do this again? It's not fair."

"I know," Bryana mumbles.

I force myself to stop crying and wipe my eyes. When I look up at Bryana her eyes are glossy, too. She knows the pain. We should've won. Not just for me but for Ariel and every girl Mark has touched unlawfully. We should've won!

"At least he can't go near that poor girl anymore or me," I say forcing my tears in.

"That's true."

A tear slips down my cheek and I wipe it away as fast as I can. The only upside to the last two months was Ashton stopped by a couple times with the others for support. They couldn't make the hearing though. I'm glad. I'd hate to be humiliated again. Even though I barely remember that day but still.

"What was even the point of this? I'm left broken and he's left walking," I mumble wiping my nose on the back of my hand.

"I'm so sorry," Bryana apologizes for no reason once again.

"It's fine," I mumble.

Neither of us talk for a long time. I'm actually pretty happy she doesn't talk. Bryana is amazing. She really is. It's just.... I don't like her. She is absolutely the most nicest person in the world and prettiest. But I can't stand her. I can never look over the fact how I have to somehow mask her beauty. Ashton loved her the longest and it's clear why. She's so perfect. How can anyone go back to me after her?

"I'm going to move out next week. Unless you want me to stay for a bit?" She asks.

I think back to how she blackmailed me to eat. You can't black mail people to eat. That's another reason I don't like her. I scrunch my nose and think. I've gained ten pounds with her even after exercising. She's killing me. No, I'm killing me.

"I think I'll be fine thank you," I assure her.

"Okay," she smiles.

Wow! She is extremely dumb if she thinks I'll ever be okay. Even when I'm happy I could break down. It's just how I am now.

"I'll go get you some tea," she states standing up.

I watch her walk out of the room. She even walks perfect. I cradle my legs to my chest and grab the tv remote. I haven't watched tv in awhile. I miss the stupid cartoons I still watch for some reason.

When I was just beginning to get treated I would watch these any chance I got. I held onto everything. I wore the stupid sweater Ashton gave me everyday. I literally cried on my raindrop necklace. The picture is practically ruined from my emotions.

Then when Chemotherapy started I focused all my energy on school. I wanted it over with. I just wanted to teach people already. I practically only got that internship at the school and now job because they pitied me. I asked for the internship the day after my last Chemotherapy. They gave it to me.