"It's a hypothetical, babe. I just need some reassurance, I guess. Forget I asked."
"Alex, don't compare yourself to Scott. You and he mean completely different things to me." He doesn't seem remotely reassured. Maybe that wasn't the best answer. What does Alex expect, though? Some romantic declaration about how he's more important than anyone? Scott got there first. "What do you want me to say?" I ask gently.
"I just feel like I'm always last, with him and now with you. It was bad enough when we were all on speaking terms, but after everything he did to us, he's still matters more to you."
"It doesn't mean I love you any less, Alex." It's not like I'm interested in Scott romantically.
"Do you know he said exactly the same words? Verbatim. On the day I left him." Alex sighs and leans back. "I love you, Mitch. Just please try to understand. I'm jealous."
"No, not you too. I would never cheat on anyone, much less you, Alex. You have nothing to worry about."
"No, no, no, I'm not jealous because I don't trust you, I'm jealous because I feel like dirt."
"Hey, you aren't. You know you aren't."
"And yet the scumbag who broke your heart and mine, he's more important than me. You'd choose friendship with him, even now, over our relationship."
This is starting to sound more like an argument than I'm comfortable with. Neither of us is shouting, but it's getting emotional, and I want to curl up and shut it all out. I want to run away. I'm not going to leave Alex, though. I sit down and close my eyes. It's okay to argue. It won't end like it did with Scott. Alex loves me, and he's not going to stop loving me. It's okay to speak my mind. It's safe. It's okay. He waits patiently while I calm my breathing. He's not trying to drive me away. He wants to talk. "Don't ask for what you don't want to hear," I begin. "I pride myself in being open with you, even when it's easy to lie and hard to tell the truth, so if you don't want to know how important Scott is and probably always will be to me, in spite of everything, don't ask. I wouldn't be who I am if not for him. So he's important. But you, Alex, are a hundred times the man he is."
I've finally said something right. A spark of hope lights in his eyes. Something catches in his expression, though, and the hope is drowned in worry. "What if I weren't?" he asks nervously. He averts his eyes and purses his lips. "I'm not. I'm no better than Scott."
"Why would you say that?" He shakes his head and his shoulders sag. I step forward and rest my hands on his back. "What's wrong?"
He runs his hand through his hair, tugging at his scalp before letting go. "I shouldn't have brought it up."
"What is it? You can tell me."
"I will." He flinches at his own words, then tries to repeat them with more resolve. "I will. You'll find out anyway. I thought you would a long time ago. I didn't think it would... I didn't think. I'll tell you, just not yet."
"Hey, what's the worst that could happen?"
His eyes look everywhere but my face and he whispers, "You could leave me."
I stare at him as it slowly sinks in what that means. His head is bowed and his hands are clasped together tightly, like he's holding himself together. I swallow, but my throat is made of half-dry cement and my mouth is sandpaper. "When?" I breathe.
"Forever ago."
"For how long?"
"I don't understand."
"Once? Twice? More?"
He sighs. "Once."
"And never since?"
"Once did enough damage," he says, shaking his head.
"And never again?"
"Not ever."
I nod. "Then I don't want to know." I don't want to think about it for another second. "You're forgiven." I have to say it now before I change my mind, before it all hits me and I can't anymore. I don't even believe it yet.
"But you don't know what I-"
"And I don't want to," I interrupt. I don't want him to tell me what it was, and I absolutely don't want to know who, because there's only one person it could be, and I can forgive Alex, but I don't know how to forgive Scott.
I feel numb. I feel ice cold. I feel a mob of terrible thoughts ramming down my desperate fortifications. It didn't happen. It's in the past, it's never happening again, it was a long time ago, it's forgiven, it never happened. What difference does it make if it was while Alex was dating Scott or dating me? Just once. Over. It never happened. It never happened. It doesn't count. It isn't real.
It isn't real. Alex is kind. Alex is patient. Alex loves me. He left Scott and chose me, on purpose. It isn't real. It can't be.
Scott wouldn't.
Of course Scott would. He wanted Alex back. He thought I betrayed him and he was just getting even. He wouldn't, though. He wouldn't, not to me.
Is this how he felt when he thought I helped myself to his boyfriend? I never even stopped to imagine it from his perspective. He blamed himself for everything. He would have believed it without question. Maybe he even thought he deserved it. Maybe he thought it was his fault.
Alex reaches a hand toward my face. I let him touch me. I forgave him; I have to. I meant it. He's forgiven. He never even... it was forever ago. It never happened.
"Mitch, I don't know what you're thinking, but I have a good idea, and that's not it at all, okay? I don't want you to believe that for a second. You're too precious, okay? Far too precious. What I did, it's nothing like that. Save your forgiveness for when I tell you, okay? I'll need it."
"You're true to me?" It never happened. He loves me. I'm precious.
He wraps me in a firm hug, and I feel secure here in his arms. "Always true," he assures me. "But not always honest. I'll tell you. I just have to talk to Scott first."
