Comments keep me alive. <3
Scott steps backward and lets the air slowly out of his lungs, running his hands through his hair and collapsing onto the couch like a rag doll. "I'm really sorry about her."
"I love her."
"She can be a real... you love her?"
"She's watching out for you."
"She was out of line. Way out of line. What, um... what did you hear?"
How do I answer that? "I don't know how long you were talking before I woke up. Just assume I heard nothing. I'd rather you told me on purpose."
"I'd prefer that too," he says pointedly.
"I shouldn't have eavesdropped on you. I'm sorry."
"I guess there was nothing I don't have to tell you now anyway. I'll never get to say it the way I would have liked, but I want you to stay, and I don't want you to have to hear it from Esther. But first, do you actually want to stay?"
"Yes." So much. I sit down cross-legged and pick at the carpet. "But she's afraid for you, and maybe I should be too. Help me understand."
"What's there to understand? She thinks we're hopeless. She thinks I'm too broken."
"Did you listen to her? That's not what she thinks at all."
"She's tired of taking care of me. She doesn't want me to need so much help again."
"You're twisting the story to fit your own self-deprecating narrative, your own distorted version of reality, at her expense. It's the same thing you did to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I've tried to imagine what it was like for you, but I can't see inside your head, so you have to correct me if I'm wrong. I think Pentatonix ending made you feel really bad about yourself, like you couldn't succeed no matter how hard you tried, like you'd been rejected. You felt like you weren't good enough, or you were worthless." I pause to see if I'm on track, and he nods for me to continue, but I don't know what to make of his tense expression. "If you felt worthless, it would be easy to think everyone else believed the same thing and just didn't say it. And if you thought you were worthless to me, like I was only sticking around because I'd known you so long or I was used to it, then maybe it would make sense to you that I would lie to you because I didn't care about you, or I would hate you for the same reasons you were mad at yourself, or I would take anything I wanted, anyone I wanted, from you. If you didn't matter, none of that would really matter either. But you knew it wasn't right, and you were angry, and I didn't understand. I wasn't listening, so you had to be louder, make me see the problem. You needed someone to understand how much it hurt, but you kept your mouth shut because you thought if I actually understood, I would be just as crushed. I lost Pentatonix too, after all. You were angry, but also scared I would leave. How does this sound so far?"
"I... don't know. I never thought of it quite like that. I wish my therapists knew me like you do." I know him. I know Scott like nobody else. My soul feels warm. "But the way you're talking about it is so different from before."
"I didn't understand, but I think I'm starting to."
"Tell me more, doc." He lies down on the couch like a psychiatric patient.
"You believed horrible things about me because you thought too little of yourself, and now you're doing the same to Esther. You think she doesn't care about you."
"She has to. If I can't tour, she's out of a job."
"Scott."
"You're right," he sighs. "She cares. It's harder when I'm tired."
He probably hasn't slept at all. He just released an album, after all. This should be an exciting time, and instead, he's stuck worrying about all our drama. "Sleep. I want to listen to this while you're out." I would have last night if it weren't so loud. "I literally slept with it under my pillow." I don't want him to think I didn't listen because I don't care. He seems to be in that kind of mindset.
"I'll stay up. I need to watch you react."
It's not gonna be pretty. "I don't think..." His expression is shifting. I just have to explain and hope he understands. "Scott, I'm gonna cry the whole time. I'm sure it's amazing—all your work is—but it's just too personal for me to really... I mean, I can't sit here and say, 'I love the chord progression,' or, 'Nice harmony,' when you're singing about... everything."
"This isn't the same. The single was the last of that. I leaked it because I wanted to be rid of it instead of having a massive release and everything. All of that was just a side, a facet. It's not how I felt most of the time. I mean, most of the time, I didn't feel anything, but in the most frustrating, awful way, like... never mind. The point—"
"You can tell me. I care, and I understand better now. I won't dismiss it."
"Other people can describe it better. I'm just glad it's faded. That's what the album is about. Living through it, getting better."
"Esther said you got better for me."
"It freaks her out. She's got all these principles for how to be healthy, what to do and what not to do."
"She sounds a lot like me."
"They're good things, but they're generalizations."
"And you're the special snowflake they don't apply to?"
"Am I normal?"
"Guess not. But Scott, from Esther's perspective—"
"I know. Extrinsic motivation is powerless, it's unhealthy to fixate on someone, he's a real person, not like what you imagine, you can't talk to him; it'll only cause drama because he's dating your ex, do it for yourself, not for someone else, let him go, move on, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. I am doing it for myself. This is over sharing, but this is all part of what Esther will tell you tomorrow to try to make you change your mind if I don't say it now. I'm trying to be who I was before again. I can't be completely, but I'm trying, and you were a part of him. And I know it doesn't fit any of the rules, but I need you back, because you're not just a part of him. I tried to change it, but I couldn't. You're part of me." Without even looking at me, without any kind of expectation, hope, or even fear in his eyes, he sighs and says tiredly, "I love you, Mitch."
